By: Drew Fisher

Drew Fisher — Fri, 07 Sep 2012 13:55:25 +0000

Now, hold on just a second here, Mr. Jones! As former president of the Farnsworth College chapter of I Phelta Thigh, I deeply resent your characterization of my fine fraternity as a place of wet T-shirt contests and tequila shots. We proudly sponsored Study Night, held once a year on the night before the final exam in the school’s most difficult course, when we had been able to obtain advance copies. Many of our members actually graduated, some in just four (okay, and a half) years. Until it went under, many of our alums were strategists at Lehman Brothers. Others got into investment banking at the end of the dotcom boom, the real estate bubble, etc. etc., so don’t think that we were involved with just liquor and women, we were also concerned with money. As our fraternity song proudly says, “Hail to old I Phelta Thigh…” I forget the rest of it, but I was usually drunk when I was singing it anyway.

By: Rootchopper

Rootchopper — Thu, 06 Sep 2012 02:01:53 +0000

Oh, your college parenting fun is just beginning. I was called by my freshman son and told that I had to call the head of resident life at his college because he had violated a residence life policy. So I called and learned that my son had been caught drinking alcohol in his dorm room! I ask you, what is America coming to when college students drink alcohol in their dorm rooms? (Frankly, this seems infinitely preferable to drinking on a couch in the open bed of our high school classmate Adolph’s pick up truck – in January – but I digress.) I had a long and very earnest conversation with the res life person. (This is a true story, btw.) During the conversation, I let slip that I got most of this sort of illicit drinking out of the way during my last two years of high school. Now that I think of it our high school with the ironic initials AA practically offered AP credit for beer drinking.

As for my college dorm experience, I was placed on dorm probation two years in a row. (My first offense was ignoring a fire alarm after I watched a drunken girl pull the alarm in the hall way outside my dorm room.) This made up for the fact that I was one of the select few members of our high school class who avoided probation during the last month of our senior year. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get caught. Fail.

I”m sure your beloved daughter is well on her way to a long career as a cloistered Sister of Eternal Chastity. No worries.

Comments on: Freshman Year College Essentials Packing Checklist…. Item 756: their 1,649-piece fourth grade seashell (remnants) collection

By: Drew Fisher

By: Rootchopper