Introducing Placebolax® – from SCAMCO – the company that brought you the (not-quite-FDA-approved) sleep interrupter device Miracle Snore and Eye Can See, the popular battery-operated do-it-yourself laser eye surgery kit.
Try Placebolax today and you’ll be amazed at how much you’ll lose.
With Placebolax, weight loss has never been simpler. What’s our secret? Baby polar bear liver oil. That’s right! We discovered that baby polar bear liver oil burns up fat, sugar, and your intestines and converts them into pure profit, er, muscle. Made from lovingly farm-raised Siberian baby polar bear livers, harvested on our polar bear farm in a secret undisclosed location in the Arctic Circle, we mix it with powder of seal pup brains and ground-up beluga whale dorsal fins to produce our unique patented weight loss formula.
[Our attorneys told us we need to include some additional “disclosures” in the very remote chance someone might not use our product as intended, accidentally resulting in permanent blindness – not that this would ever happen (we don’t think) – and try to sue us.]
LIST OF ACTIVE INGREDIENTS: High fructose corn syrup, sugar, malt flavoring, more high fructose corn syrup, sodium ascorbic acid, something that tastes like chicken, dextrose, hydrogenated cornstarch, salt, processed flour, food coloring, red dye #40, 67 and 85, soybean, caramel, riboflavin, thiamin, hydrochloride, super-duper high fructose corn syrup, Pez, dried egg whites, lithium, tortoise dung, something that once used to look like yogurt, mono-something or other, coco extract, extract of cocoa, boiled linseed oil, vinegar, frosted flakes, 3 of KFC’s original herbs and spices (but we’re not authorized to tell you which 3), nutmeg, something that looks vaguely like rabbit pellets but we can’t locate the original container so we’re not really sure what it is, folic acid, battery acid, coconut juice, asbestos, fluoride (for stronger teeth), quartz, silicon, did we mention salt yet?, plutonium isotope, lead, unleavened yak intestines, eye of newt, DNA from some guy named Brad, petroleum byproducts, banana, and baby polar bear liver oil.
Placebolax contains absolutely NO CAFFEINE of any kind. That’s our firm commitment to you!
Need more energy? Try our new HIGH-ENERGY Placebolax – now with 20% more caffeine!
RECOMMENDED DOSAGE: Take just one Placebolax pill in the morning before breakfast, then one more at 10am, another pill just before lunch, one more just after lunch, one more if you’re planning to take an afternoon nap, one with dinner, and one more just before bedtime, followed by one more just after bedtime. Then set your alarm for 3am to take one more pill. If you are seriously obese, double the above dosages.
DO NOT USE THIS PRODUCT if you are pregnant, might someday hope to become pregnant, are fluent in Mandarin, sit for more than three hours a day, use Facebook, plan to travel to Europe, or are in daily contact with squirrels.
FOR BEST RESULTS: Clinical studies have shown that for optimal weight loss, it is best to take Placebolax daily along with a healthy regimen that includes:
- At least four hours of rigorous physical exercise
- No sugar, starch, cheese, bread or any food whose taste you enjoy
- Fasting every other day (for quicker weight loss, try fasting every day)
- Jogging to work in lieu of driving
- Learning how to use the exercycle while you sleep
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS: (you really don’t need to read this. We suggest you jump down to the Testimonials section.) Rare side effects may include temporary loss of memory or the ability to speak English, premature baldness, premature ejaculation, well, pretty much anything premature, color blindness, turrets syndrome, confused sexual orientation, loss of bladder control, a deep – but temporary – hatred of the color beige, the inability to rotate counter clockwise, a morbid fear of clocks, an intense dislike of TV newswoman Katie Couric, an inexplicable desire to be called Lolita, and an urge to enlist in Army basic training.
TESTIMONIALS FROM SATISFIED PLACEBOLAX CUSTOMERS
Placebolax works miracles. But don’t just take our word. Read what thousands of satisfied clients tell us every day, when they call our customer service hotline to ask how long their side effects might last:
- “It’s truly amazing. Since I started taking Placebolax, I’ve lost 167 pounds. Her name is Muriel. And thanks to Placebolax, she moved out last week. Now I have the entire trailer to myself.” – Ned Higgins, Biloxi, MS
- “I tried Placebolax because I just wanted to lose a few pounds. And I have to say, I’m totally hooked on this product. I mean it. I can’t stop taking it. Is there a support group I can talk to about how to get off this pill?” – Rosie Lombardi, Camden, NJ
- “It is amazing that the Feds did not shut you guys down months ago. How is it you’re still in business?” – Bruno Halverson, Madison, WI [Note to the proofreader: Be sure not to use quote from Bruno H of Madison. He seems to have a serious axe to grind.]
HOW CAN I TRY PLACEBOLAX?* Simple. Try Placebolax absolutely free for 14 days. Then we’ll simply charge your credit card 147 easy payments of $19.95 / month. Cancel any time (after month 65) by calling our billing department in Bucharest, Romania, whose phone number is temporarily out of service.
(* May take up to 24 months to process cancellation requests. There is a one-time cancellation fee of $750.)
MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE: If you don’t agree that Placebolax is the greatest weight loss invention since bulimia, just tell us, and we’ll be glad to issue you a complete refund (minus the one-time $750 cancellation fee). Just return the unused portion along with 30 box tops of Captain Crunch cereal, a certified copy of your mother’s birth certificate, copies of your five most recent federal tax returns, a moon rock, and a mint-condition 1951 rookie season Mickey Mantle baseball card.
Try Placebolax today. Before you know it, you won’t believe how much you’ve lost.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2012