[Author’s note: Recently, Al Qaeda’s #2 in command was killed in a drone strike. This makes him the fourth Al Qaeda #2 to be taken out in the past 18 months. In the interest of casting a wider net for possible replacement candidates, the terrorist organization posted a Help Wanted ad on Craig’s List this week. Check it out here. – tej]
#1 Terrorist Organization in the World looking for #2 in Command to lead us into the 13th Century (Tora Bora, Afghanistan)
Date: 2012-06-20, 10:08 PM ADT (Afghanistan Daylight Time)
Do you like to lead people? Can you inspire others to go the extra mile in rugged mountain terrain? Do you want more virgins than you can handle in Heaven? Are you fascinated by aerial drones? Then this job may be for you! Keep reading.
Al Qaeda has an immediate job opening for a #2 Commander to oversee logistics, recruitment, military weapons acquisition, burqa fashion enforcement and money-laundering.
Salary: Negotiable, based on previous experience wreaking havoc and destruction on corrupt, foreign, illegitimate, imperialist, capitalist, infidel governments destined to be swept aside by the hand of the Almighty when the Islamic Caliphate rises up.
Location: A cave in an undisclosed secret location somewhere in a mountainous region in Afghanistan (see map below right for exact location).
- Bearded male between the ages of 12 and 92
- Enjoys spelunking
- Adept at instigating global jihads and blowing things up
- Devoutly devoted to the establishment of an Islamic caliphate and brutally killing innocent people for a good cause
- Can tell the difference between a Shiite and a Sunni at 100 meters
- Comfortable in front of a camera inciting others to kill themselves
- Proficient in Microsoft Excel and WebEx
- Must not be claustrophobic in cramped, dark places
- Must be willing to relocate at a moment’s notice; able to pack light
- Must despise and vilify everything about western culture – except its porn
- Has ten or more fake identities and passports, preferably from Wisconsin
- Handy with CRM software like Jihadforce.com to manage recruitment efforts
- Jews, Christians, Hindus, Buddhists, Mormons, or anybody from the cast of Glee need not apply
Relevant Previous Experience We’re Looking For:
- Wreaking havoc and destruction on non-believers
- Blowing up large objects – planes, shopping malls and train stations preferred
- Plotting to kill foreigners [plotting to kill Americans or Brits a plus]
- Having endured months without electricity, running water, or even basic cable TV without HBO or a premium sports package
Travel Opportunity: This position requires frequent overnight travel to exotic, pristine mountain destinations between Afghanistan and Pakistan. If you are spontaneous, like to make last-minute travel plans, enjoy getting off the beaten path and hiking over rugged, warlord-protected, snowcapped mountain passes disguised as a woman, you’ll love this position. (Mule not included.)
Training Provided: At Camp Al Qaeda, we pride ourselves in helping all our leaders and suicide bombers get into top physical condition (for as long as you still have a physical condition). Our training camps are conveniently located throughout Eastern Afghanistan, Northwest Pakistan – and just in time for summer 2012, check out our newest camp in beautiful sand-swept Yemen, while it lasts. Everything you need to expel the infidels you’ll learn at any one of our 342, make that 287, correction: 153… um, countless secret training camps. Facilities include:
- Monkey bars
- Obstacle course
- Rifle range
- Unlimited supply of dirt, rocks and rubble
- Coming soon: yoga, water aerobics and jazzercise (available in the hereafter)
Added Bonus: Explosives assembly & detonation workshops offered daily. Ask about our drive-through Madrasahs, where we’ve gloriously indoctrinated more than 15,000 impressionable young minds to angrily condemn everything about 21st century western civilization (except Harry Potter).
Benefits and Amenities:
As Al Qaeda’s Number 2 in charge, you’ll get first pick (make that second pick) of your own 72 virgins waiting for you in Heaven. But there is so much more. You will also get:
- In the best shape of your life with our network of aerobically challenging mountain trails and tunnels
- Your own top-secret underground bunker (ideal if you like that rustic “little cave in the prairie” feel)
- A wide selection of custom-designed underwear, shoes and vests – comes in small, medium, large and X-plosive
- Your own personal courier, plus five backup couriers, one of whom will eventually hand-deliver your jihadist fatwa from your cave directly to Al Jazeera’s TV studios in under five weeks
- Your own 401K. (We’re talking, of course, about the cache of Kalashnikov 401K semi-automatic rifles we stole from a Russian cargo ship bound for Bahrain. Shhh!)
- A triumphant hero’s funeral procession attended by up to 2,000 defiantly chanting fanatics specially chosen to make your martyrdom fabulously memorable
Future Opportunities for Advancement: Limited.
References: Please provide professional references, preferably from leaders of regional extremist groups who are personally familiar with your efforts to inflict mass casualties on infidels.
To apply, send your resume to: email@example.com. Please include one sample IED (improvised explosive device) or biological weapon you built yourself. In the alternative we will accept detailed floor plans of at least one western commercial or military target you plan to take down.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2012