Dear Sweetie, Honey, Darling, Angel, Punkin, Cutie Pie, Snuggle Bunny, Sweet Cakes, or in the case of Mrs. Eunice McCutchen of Big Butte, South Dakota, You Old Ball & Chain,
We guys just wanted to take this opportunity to give you ladies some helpful suggestions for what to get us this Father’s Day. It’s not too late to surprise us on our special day with something that would truly show us how much you love us.
You want to know what we guys really want for Father’s Day? It’s very little. We just want to spend a day with our whole family, taking a leisurely hike in the woods, holding hands with our lovely wife, telling her how much we love her, and later on, snuggling together, taking a nice long nap on the couch.
Ah, we’re just messing with you. That’s not even remotely close to what we want for Father’s Day – although the part about a long nap on the couch sounds good – so long as you leave us alone.
We husbands want to thank you for the many wonderful gifts you have given us for Father’s Day over the years, such as the polka dot tie, followed the next year by the striped tie, followed by that lovely reversible tie with polka dots on one side and stripes on the other. So what if the last time we wore a tie Bruce Willis still had hair. It’s the thought that counts.
We guys can never get enough World’s Best Dad mugs. We will be sure to store all five of them away in a very special container in the attic right next to our World’s Best Dad T-shirt, World’s Best Dad picture frame and of course, our personal favorite, our World’s Best Dad 1st place trophy. To think of the stiff competition we had to beat out to win that coveted plastic bobble head trophy you bought for $9.95 at WorldsBestDad.com. And what an incredible likeness (to Walther Matthau).
We also all love those thoughtful handmade gift certificates you give us every other year, entitling us to things like “three mornings of not having to make the bed.” Too bad we keep forgetting to redeem them before the 48-hour expiration date.
Finally, can we tell you how much we fellows appreciated your thoughtful surprise of a Night at the Opera, to see Madame Butterfly last year? Wow! Did not see that one coming. We apologize for sleeping through the second and third acts. But trust me, I think I speak for all of us dads when I say we are so glad we went to your artsy opera thingy instead of meeting up with the gang to see the game against the Yankees that ended with a walk-off grand slam in the 11th inning. Talk about a boring ending, am I right?
A quick shout out to our kids. We’d be remiss if we did not mention the incredibly creative gifts you kids have bestowed upon us dads over the years. Here are just a few of our favorites:
- The finger painting portrait you made of daddy that looked eerily like Edvard Munch’s The Scream.
- The macaroni and jelly bean school art project for which we praised its incredible likeness to that of a whale, causing you to burst into tears. We apologize. In retrospect, we clearly get that you made a toaster (with fins and a spout).
- The Paper Mache mask of your daddy’s face you made us, which gave you nightmares for weeks because it reminded you of a scary monster. And then you hid from daddy for the next three months because you became afraid that daddy might be a scary monster too.
- The four-foot tall self-portrait you made using nothing but brown paper, sea shell fragments, buttons, and molded cheddar cheese. It used to have a head made of candy corn, but you apparently got hungry before finishing your priceless work of art.
Honey, all of these kid gifts were works of art – never to be recreated. So tell the kids PLEASE DON’T EVER TRY TO. Seriously. And before you rush off to buy us another man’s leather satchel that all our co-workers thought was a purse, perhaps we dads can give you just a couple suggestions for what we’d really like this year:
- A magic pill that will cure our wicked slice off the golf tee so we won’t have to spend half our time each round searching for our ball in the woods
- A weekend outing of paintball, followed by laser tag and Go-Karts – it’s important we keep our fine motor skills sharp.
- A “get out of jail” card for the next time we stay out till 2am playing poker with the boys, which card grants us a NO QUESTIONS ALLOWED pass about the business card we forgot to remove from our shirt pocket for Antoinette’s French Maid Strip-O-Grams.
- A night of passionate love-making with Sophia Vergara – All right, we just threw that in there to make sure you were still reading this letter.
- But seriously, a night of passionate love-making with Sophia Vergara. (If she’s not available, might we suggest Scarlett Johansson or Eva Mendes? You decide. You know our taste.)
- If you really can’t think of what to get us, keep in mind it’s our turn to get a new car. You bought yourself that used Hyundai Accent last year. Now it’s our turn. Might we suggest a Lamborghini? But don’t go overboard. No need to purchase the gold-plated wheels. We hear they’re a bit spendy.
If you would like more ideas, let us know. But give serious thought to Sophia. Did we mention how much we love you, Snookie Pie?
Your loving husbands
PS: Oh, by the way, just curious. Have you had an opportunity to use the ThighMaster we bought you for Mother’s Day? The moment we saw the infomercial, we immediately thought of you. Hope you like it.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps we’re off base.
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2012