Archive for June, 2012

Try PLACEBOLAX, the exciting new miracle weight loss cure. Start losing it all today!

placebolax - before and afterIntroducing Placebolax® – from SCAMCO – the company that brought you the (not-quite-FDA-approved) sleep interrupter device Miracle Snore and Eye Can See, the popular battery-operated do-it-yourself laser eye surgery kit.

Try Placebolax today and you’ll be amazed at how much you’ll lose.

With Placebolax, weight loss has never been simpler. What’s our secret? Baby polar bear liver oil. That’s right! We discovered that baby polar bear liver oil burns up fat, sugar, and your intestines and converts them into pure profit, er, muscle. Made from lovingly farm-raised Siberian baby polar bear livers, harvested on our polar bear farm in a secret undisclosed location in the Arctic Circle, we mix it with powder of seal pup brains and ground-up beluga whale dorsal fins to produce our unique patented weight loss formula.

[Our attorneys told us we need to include some additional “disclosures” in the very remote chance someone might not use our product as intended, accidentally resulting in permanent blindness – not that this would ever happen (we don’t think) – and try to sue us.]

placebolax - polar bearLIST OF ACTIVE INGREDIENTS: High fructose corn syrup, sugar, malt flavoring, more high fructose corn syrup, sodium ascorbic acid, something that tastes like chicken, dextrose, hydrogenated cornstarch, salt, processed flour, food coloring, red dye #2, 40, 67 and 85, soybean, caramel, riboflavin, thiamin, hydrochloride, super-duper high fructose corn syrup, Pez, dried egg whites, lithium, tortoise dung, something that used to look like yogurt, mono-something or other, cocoa extract, extract of cocoa, boiled linseed oil, vinegar, frosted flakes, 3 of KFC’s original herbs and spices (but we’re not authorized to tell you which 3), nutmeg, something that looks vaguely like rabbit pellets but we can’t locate the original container so we’re not really sure what it is, folic acid, battery acid, stomach acid, coconut juice, asbestos, fluoride (for stronger teeth), quartz, silicon, did we mention salt yet?, plutonium isotope, lead, unleavened yak intestines, eye of newt, DNA from some guy named Brad, petroleum byproducts, banana, and baby polar bear liver oil. Read More…

  • Darn it, i didn't read the warning label first! I can no longer speak English and have lost the ability…
    Shirley Freitas
  • Published On Jun. 28, 2012 by TEJ
  • Job Opening: Do you have what it takes to be al Qaeda’s new Number 2?

    [Author’s note: Recently, Al Qaeda’s #2 in command was killed in a drone strike. This makes him the fourth Al Qaeda #2 to be taken out in the past 18 months. In the interest of casting a wider net for possible replacement candidates, the terrorist organization posted a Help Wanted ad on Craig’s List this week. Check it out here. – tej] 

    #1 Terrorist Organization in the World looking for #2 in Command to lead us into the 13th Century (Tora Bora, Afghanistan)

    Date: 2012-06-20, 10:08 PM ADT (Afghanistan Daylight Time)

    Do you like to lead people? Can you inspire others to go the extra mile in rugged mountain terrain? Do you want more virgins than you can handle in Heaven? Are you fascinated by aerial drones? Then this job may be for you! Keep reading.

    Al Qaeda has an immediate job opening for a #2 Commander to oversee logistics, recruitment, military weapons acquisition, burqa fashion enforcement and money-laundering.

    Salary: Negotiable, based on previous experience wreaking havoc and destruction on corrupt, foreign, illegitimate, imperialist, capitalist, infidel governments destined to be swept aside by the hand of the Almighty when the Islamic Caliphate rises up.

    Location: A cave in an undisclosed secret location somewhere in a mountainous region in Afghanistan (see map below right for exact location).

    Read More…

    • I lived in France for 3 years and I know how to make linseed oil explode; does this qualify me?
  • Published On Jun. 21, 2012 by TEJ
  • A letter to our wives: What we dads really want for Father’s Day this year

    From all of us loving husbands,

    Dear Sweetie, Honey, Darling, Angel, Punkin, Cutie Pie, Snuggle Bunny, Sweet Cakes, or in the case of Mrs. Eunice McCutchen of Big Butte, South Dakota, You Old Ball & Chain,

    We guys just wanted to take this opportunity to give you  ladies some helpful suggestions for what to get us this Father’s Day. It’s not too late to surprise us on our special day with something that would truly show us how much you love us.

    You want to know what we guys really want for Father’s Day? It’s very little. We just want to spend a day with our whole family, taking a leisurely hike in the woods, holding hands with our lovely wife, telling her how much we love her, and later on, snuggling together, taking a nice long nap on the couch.

    Ah, we’re just messing with you. That’s not even remotely close to what we want for Father’s Day – although the part about a long nap on the couch sounds good – so long as you leave us alone.

    Read More…

    • Tim. Was out of town when this was published so just read it tonight. I have to ask,…
      Jim Hayden
  • Published On Jun. 14, 2012 by TEJ
  • My true story of the greatest prom night of all time

    [Note from the staff of VFTB: This week Tim Jones waxes nostalgic with fond memories of his high school senior prom. However, in the interest of editorial integrity, the staff felt obligated to set the record straight where Tim’s memory veers slightly from how the evening’s events actually transpired. – VFTB Staff]

    It’s high school prom season. I am always cheered to see so many handsome young men dressed to the nines in their formal tuxedo and cummerbund with matching Nirvana t-shirt, high top sneakers and untied laces, escorting their lovely female companions to the big dance. It brings back memories of my own high school prom, one of the most magical evenings of my life.

    I attended an all-boys’ private military academy. The prom tradition at our school was preceded by a formal military parade and competition, pitting drill teams from five companies in our school’s battalion against each other to see which company could create and execute the most original precision drill team performance without accidently shooting any of the guests.

    I was Captain of Company B. My company only took out one onlooker but he didn’t actually have tickets to the competition, so it was partially his own fault. [Staff: Turned out to be Tim’s grandfather. He was old anyway.] The drill competition went off without a hitch, with almost no popular students impaled by a rifle bayonet.

    Read More…

    • Can't fool me, Tim. I happen to have inside information that you were one of the most legendary swordsmen…
      Drew Fisher
  • Published On Jun. 07, 2012 by TEJ