Hey there, America! Does the depressed economy have you feeling DOWN!!!!??? Are you concerned because our government can’t seem to solve our spiraling debt crisis? Confused about how to end the stalemate between Republicans and Democrats over how to restore America’s former greatness and still balance the budget?
Well, worry no more. At View from the Bleachers, our dedicated staff of economic analysts and female impersonators has come up with a brilliant solution to our nation’s economic and political problems.
Now, you can finally break the governmental gridlock that is ruining our country and TAKE BACK OUR GOVERNMENT – literally, with our new Take Back America, Do-It-Yourself Self-Government Tool Kit.
When George Washington delivered the Gettysburg Address on the deck of the Mayflower, he spoke of a government “of the people and by the people.” Finally, thanks to our Take Back America, Do-It-Yourself Self-Government (TBADIYSG) Tool Kit, government will finally be by the people once and for all – people like YOU!
Your TBADIYSG Tool Kit gives you everything you need to run your government from the comfort of your own living room, in your pajamas – even if you haven’t bathed in three days. It comes complete with versatile tools tailored to fit your unique self-governance style.
Do-It-Yourself School System – Who knows better what your kids need to learn than you? Why waste their time on algebra and English when you can teach them what they really need to know – how to change spark plugs on your ’97 Ford F-150 Pickup truck, the proper bait for catching rainbow trout, or how to hide the fact you’re drunk from your boss. Your TBADIYSG Home School Tool Kit comes with ten free hall passes, a used copy of The Idiot’s Guide to Speling, the complete answer key to the 1995 SAT exam, and a beta videotape of the high school film anthem, Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
DIY Police Department – Thanks to state and local budget cuts, there are no longer enough police to protect our neighborhoods – and now you don’t need ‘em. You’ll now have your own Police Department in a Box. Live in a dangerous neighborhood? Crack house right next store? No problem. Just one zap from your VFTB-approved Taser X2 “Immobilizer” stun gun, and they won’t bother you anymore. Your Home Police Tool Kit also comes with your choice of Beretta PX4 Storm pistol or Browning BDA 380 semi-automatic, plus enough bullets to take out a small Afghan Taliban militia group. The kit also includes a police car siren – choose between four ear drum-splitting sounds – sure to keep the crack heads next door scrambling for cover. Your Tool Kit even has handcuffs – ideal for citizens’ arrests or private late night parties with that special someone.
DIY Fire Department – Why wait for the Fire Department to arrive 30 minutes too late? Spring into action instantly with our Fire Department in a Box! Comes complete with a recently expired fire extinguisher, 60-foot hose (made of durable water-soluble synthetic rubber), and a nine-foot fire escape ladder (ideal for ground level apartments). We saved the best for last: a faux stainless steel axe, like the kind they used in the movie Back Draft.
DIY Universal Healthcare – Worried about spiraling health insurance costs as you get older? Take a chill pill, thanks to our Universal Healthcare in a Box. You’ve watched enough episodes of Grey’s Anatomy that you could remove your spleen in your sleep. Now, thanks to this exciting offer, you actually can! Comes complete with an authentic-looking stethoscope (just like the type worn by George Clooney on E.R.), a two-month supply of slightly used gauze and Neosporin. We’ll even throw in a copy of the popular Milton Bradley game, Operation. But your home-based hospital would not be complete without a set of partially sterilized scalpels and a six-hour supply of nitrous oxide, to take your mind off the blood you’ll be hemorrhaging during self-surgery.
DIY Disaster Relief Preparedness Tool Kit – Tired of waiting six months for FEMA to show up to repair your roof which was ripped off by the latest tornado? Well, wait no more. Now help from FEMA is a thing of the past. The buck stops here – make that, the bucket – now that you have your own VFTB-approved bucket and mop set, ideal for bailing water from hurricanes or flooding. (You get a terrific upper body workout, too!) Comes with enough sand bags to staunchly defend even the most spacious 700-sq. ft. lot up to a depth of almost six inches. Includes two flashlights, a jar of Tang, and a week’s supply of bottled water imported from the South Pacific near the island paradise of Fiji (desalination tablets not included).
DIY Federal, State and Municipal Court System – Worried about the three-year backlog in our court system? Stop worrying. You’ve seen The People’s Court enough times to know all you need to know about American justice and damage awards – especially if the dispute involves a skanky ex-girlfriend who sold her ex-boyfriend’s collector’s edition set of Star Wars action figures. With our Courtroom in a Box, you decide who has screwed you over and what their punishment should be. (Sorry, no Death Penalty allowed for the guy who sold you that 2002 Kia that turned out to be a lemon. It was a Kia, for God’s sake.) Comes complete with judge’s robe, gavel and witness stand – some assembly required. (British barrister’s curly white powdered wig sold separately.)
But that’s not all. ACT BEFORE MIDNIGHT TONIGHT and we’ll throw in your very own Do-It-Yourself National Park Service. Comes complete with an inflatable Ranger Station, a herd of 15 playful mountain goats, and a fire danger rating sign in which you decide the danger level. Sounds like Smoky the Bear has a new best friend.
ACT NOW. SUPPLIES ARE LIMITED.
CALL 1-800-I-GOVERN. OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY.
That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.
© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2011