Breaking News: WIKILEAKS plans to release all your emails

In the past week, WikiLeaks, the controversial organization that claims its goal is to keep governments honest by revealing classified documents, made news again. They announced that in the upcoming weeks, they will be releasing more than 250,000 classified U.S. diplomatic cables and internal documents – to the dismay and embarrassment of top government officials in the US and the world over.

Government leaders from Italy’s Silvio Berlusconi to Libya’s Muammar Gaddifi to Russia’s Vladimir Putin to North Korea’s Kim Jong Il have been privately ridiculed and derided as incompetent, sexually promiscuous, behaving like a thug or having amazingly bad hair. WikiLeaks’ Australian-born editor and Internet activist, Julian Assange (right) has been characterized as everything from an anarchist to a terrorist – but he has not been ridiculed for having bad hair. This reporter thinks it’s quite stylish, actually.

But this is just the tip of the WikiLeaks iceberg. Thanks to my own painstaking Pulitzer-Prize-deserving investigative journalism and my extensive network of contacts within the Latvian intelligence community, I am about to blow the lid off the latest WikiLeaks scandal. In a View from the Bleachers EXCLUSIVE, I have uncovered WikiLeaks’ secret plans to release everybody’s email communications from the past ten years – Yes, everybody’s – including yours. The reasons for this latest attempt at public humiliation are unclear. My own speculation is that WikiLeaks chief Assange is trying to get back at an ex-girlfriend. But whatever the reasons, the consequences could be potentially devastating for millions of Americans, Russians, Chinese, Indians, Europeans, Middle Easterners, and potentially as many as three Greenlanders.

Here is just a sampling of private email communications I have intercepted from the trillions WikiLeaks plans to release:

  • From Ned Whipple, Campbell, SD, June 19, 2006: “I read your company’s ad about the “Miracle Penis Enlarger” in Penthouse. Do you accept cash? I have my first date with a girl next Saturday. Rush ship it to me at my mom’s house but address it to me, okay?”
  • From Marge Johnson, King of Prussia, PA, April 7, 2009: “Hey, everybody on my 500-person email distribution list. Check out this You Tube video of a kitten. It is soooooo adorable. I bet you love these as much as I do. That’s why I have been sending you these adorably cute 9 MB attachments every day for the past year and a half. I hope you don’t mind.”
  • From Constance McPherson, Homestead, FL, October 17, 2005: “Gladys, are you still interested in going to the male strip club tomorrow night? I told my husband Bert that I’m playing bridge with the girls. What happens at Hunkamania stays at Hunkamania, right, Gladys?”
  • From Morton Higgins, Bayou Cane, LA, May 4, 2006: “I recently visited your web site “Russian Mail Order Brides” and I have decided I would like to order the girl listed as ‘Natasha 1274.’ I think she is the wife for me. Do you accept Wal-Mart gift cards? How long does it take you guys to ship her to my trailer park here in Louisiana?”
  • From Bert McPherson, Homestead, FL, October 17, 2005: “Hey, Ralph. Are you still interested in going to the strip club tomorrow night? I told my wife that I am playing poker with the boys. Remember, what happens at Hunkamania stays at Hunkamania, right, Ralph?”
  • From Barack Obama, Washington, DC, July 14, 2010: “I f*ckin swear, someday I will rip that bloviated windbag McConnell’s head right off and shove it into a trash compactor. That pr*ck has one answer for every new compromise proposal I come up with and that’s “NO.” God, I f*ckin despise that racist bastard. Arrrrgh!!!”
  • From Jasmine Huffington, Santa Barbara, CA, April 23, 2009: “So I tweeted “Brad is such a hunk and after tonight, he’ll be mine” and then Madison tweeted back “Nuh Uh, bitch, he’s mine. Don’t U even think about it” and then I tweeted “Listen you skank, when I tell Brad what you did with his best friend Jake, he’ll be mine” and then she tweeted “You wouldn’t dare, you whore” and then I tweeted, “you wanna bet me, you slut?”, and then she tweeted…. [Email abridged due to space limitations for this post]
  • From Tim Jones, Seattle, WA, February 10, 2009: “So, Steve, here’s my idea. I plan to launch a new humor blog. And it will be so easy. I will just rip off humor bits from the Onion.com web site and change the names. Nobody will know the difference. Brilliant idea, don’t you think?”
  • From Tiger Woods, Jupiter, FL, August 19, 2009: “Joslyn, hey, you gotta stop sending me emails. Elle checks my email and she might get suspicious. I got a better idea. Just leave me messages on my cell phone. That way, she will never find out.”
  • From Michele Rushworth, Seattle, WA, November 30, 2009: “Mom, what should I do? Tim has started doing this weekly humor blog he calls View from the Bleachers. Talk about a lame title. And I have to tell you – I don’t think he’s got a clue what he’s doing. How can I get him to stop this harebrained humor blog project without hurting his feelings? He actually thinks he’s being funny – can you believe it?”
  • From Sarah Palin, Wasilla, AK, June 25, 2009: “Todd, I was thinking. Maybie I should quit this Alaska governor job. It’s way harder than I thawt. All those decisions and stuf. Maybe I cood get a job with Fox News and they cood pay for a brand new wardrobe for me. What do you think I shud do, Todd? And what are ya’ gonna cook for dinner for toonite? I’m in the mood for moose. Ya’ betcha!”
  • From Tripp Elmendorf, Huber Heights, OH, April 6, 2003: “That’s it, Carla. We’re through. I followed your driving directions to your house and arrived at 127 Millburn Place at 7pm sharp like you asked. And you weren’t home. I waited for three flippin’ hours on your front porch but you never showed up. Thanks for wasting my time. Where the hell were you, you b*tch? Nobody blows off Tripp Elmendorf. Screw you, lady. I’m outta here. I took the flowers I brought for you, tied ‘em to a rock and threw the bouquet through your living room picture window. That’s how I feel about the way you blew me off, you skank.”
  • From Carla Rogers, Huber Heights, OH, April 7, 2003: “Dear Tripp. My address is 129 Millburn Place. You went to the wrong house. You’re a moron.”

This is just a tiny handful of the humiliating emails that WikiLeaks plans to release. When I attempted to reach WikiLeaks chief Assange for comment as to their reasons for deciding to release everybody’s email messages, he refused to respond. Early this morning, WikiLeaks did, however, issue the following official apology:

WikiLeaks wishes to apologize for the fact that we will be releasing every email anybody has ever sent in the past ten years. We hope this does not cause any embarrassment. This was a computer software error. We had intended only to send out the emails from anybody with a .gov email extension. But our programmer is from China, and he did not understand our instructions. And we’ll be damned if we can figure out how to turn it off now that the program has been initiated. Our bad.

 

Please be assured, however, that the odds of anyone ever locating any of your sent emails, out of the 189 trillion emails that will be released, is extremely small – unless they do a search on “emails from [your name].” And we do not anticipate anybody will do that. Thanks for your patience. – WikiLeaks

My investigation of WikiLeaks’ efforts also uncovered their aborted plans to release every single American’s previous Twitter posts – that is, until they realized that everybody’s tweets are already public so they concluded, what would be the point?

My sources tell me that WikiLeaks is still looking for new ways to embarrass our nation and shamelessly pry into the private communications of its citizens. One source within the WikiLeaks organization, who requested anonymity, has indicated that plans are already in motion to release transcripts of every college student with less than a 2.0 GPA, as well as a listing of every American with a traffic infraction between the years 1983 and 2007 – including my speeding violation from 1999. In all fairness, I was on Interstate 90, it was a gorgeous fall day, the windows were down, and Tom Petty’s Free Fallin’ was blasting on my radio, so you can hardly fault me for doing 95 in a 70 mph zone, given the circumstances.

Hopefully, by my breaking this story about WikiLeaks’ latest scheme, I have done a small part to help prevent future leaks that could jeopardize our national security. Don’t thank me. Just doing my job.

Oh, and by the way, if you happen to stumble upon a WikiLeaks email I might have sent awhile back in which I referred to you as a shallow, insensitive, narcissistic jerk and I made fun of your hair, please know that I was going through a difficult period. It was just my way of dealing with some issues. I am doing much better now. I don’t think you’re the least bit shallow or insensitive, and I must say, I think your hair looks fabulous.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2010 – 2011

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  • Published On Dec. 03, 2010 by TEJ
  • 2 Comments


    1. Frank Snyder
      12/3/10

      YOU BASTARD!!! YOU’RE the one who started the rumors about my hair! Wait ’til you find my email describing your leaf-like genitalia! HA! You just wrote a check with your mouth that your ass can’t cash.
      (remember, in the South, shit has 3 syllables, “Sheee-iii-iit!!”)
      Your Favorite Southern Shit-, (3 syllables)-for-brains,
      Frank


    2. Vicky Jones
      12/11/10

      I know that you and the four other people who read your blog will appreciate this adorable cat video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ltcWcwnPfY

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