Retraining workers for jobs in the new economy

The White House announced the availability of $25 million to retrain former automotive workers. These grants help those workers who have been displaced learn new skills in high growth and emerging industries and get support in finding where these new jobs are.

– Press release, www.whitehouse.gov

Are you naturally artistic? Can you spell? If so, then an exciting career may be awaiting you in the rapidly growing field of window sign painting. The demand from factories and other businesses has never been greater for a wide array of displayed messages raging from “NO JOBS” to “NOT CURRENTLY HIRING”. And, as the economy continues to spiral downward, industry analysts are forecasting a spike in demand in the retail and warehouse sectors for such signage as “SHOPLIFTERS WILL BE PROSECUTED” and “TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT”.

Massive unemployment and associated increased levels of poverty invariably lead to a rise in crime rates. That’s promising news for our nation’s correctional services industry, which will soon need to recruit tens of thousands of new prison guards to handle the expected upsurge in convicted felons. If you’re looking for a steady income – plus the chance to spend more quality time with your less fortunate family members, friends and former neighbors – then this could be the opportunity of a lifetime.

It used to be that having a doctor in the family was considered to be an advantage. Today, as rising movie ticket prices force people to depend more on home entertainment – and as they simultaneously struggle to afford their cable bills and DVD rentals – having a copyright violator in the family has become the new domestic gold standard. With more and more bootleg versions of first-run films available on-line, being the person who knows their way around the aggregated environment of Chinese and Russian-based video-streaming websites can be your ticket to continued free room and board in your parents’ home.

Advances in robotics have already led to the displacement of millions of workers in a wide range of newly automated industries. In the future, robots are expected to replace even more human laborers in sectors ranging from retail to office services. But who will take care of these robot workers? Who will dust them, and oil them, and replace their worn-out parts and batteries? Who will see to their every need and desire? This is your chance to get in on the ground floor as a robot’s personal assistant. While it may be able to assemble an entire jet fuselage in minutes or manage a company’s entire operations with its sophisticated data processors, your robot master will still rely on you to ensure its day-to-day well-being. For that extra special touch of respect, remember to always address it as “sir” or “ma’am”.

Do you like to read? Can you do so quickly? The recent publication of tens of thousands of secret U.S military documents by the website WikiLeaks and the site’s expected release of a cache of classified State Department e-mails has created an immediate need for embarrassing information scanners to review these materials for potentially damaging exposures. Day or night shifts available. Contact the Pentagon.

Are you a good listener? Do you know your “tops” from your “bottoms”? Then this could be your opportunity to begin a rewarding new life as a gay marriage counselor. Sure, it’s a little confusing when the arguments are all “he said, he said” and when both spouses call each other a “bitch”. But your outside perspective and sage guidance can be all that’s needed to help put the “us” back into “fabulous”. Currently recruiting in California only.

– Steve Fisher

Tags: economy, Jobs, workplace