Republicans assail Obama over breakfast choice

WASHINGTON — Republicans uniformly criticized as “inappropriate” President Obama’s selection of yogurt and granola for his breakfast this morning.

At a press conference on the steps of the Capitol, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) strongly condemned the President’s choice for his first meal of the day, terming it “the wrong direction for America.”

“President Obama campaigned on a promise of change,” stated McConnell. “Yet he continues to eat virtually the same yogurt and granola breakfast every morning, totally ignoring the will of the American people who would overwhelmingly prefer a triple stack of pancakes and sausages.”

Rep. Eric Cantor (R-Virginia.), the House GOP whip, echoed McConnell’s statement with regard to sausages and accused the President of “caving in to radical Islam” by failing to include any pork in his breakfast menu. “Our Founders built this great nation on a steady diet of ham and eggs, bacon and eggs, and in the case of my home state’s Thomas Jefferson, pig’s brains and eggs,” Cantor exclaimed as he pounded the podium with a giant pork shank, adding, “We will never give in to the terrorists and their hatred of our breakfast freedoms.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) derided what he laughingly termed the President’s “Euro-breakfast.”

“Maybe the French are satisfied with their socialized yogurt for their le petit déjeuner,” said Bohner, adding, “Not that I even know what that means in English…and don’t put an accent mark on it when you quote me ‘cause I wouldn’t know if it has one.”

“It does, and it means ‘breakfast’,” noted Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal.

“Jesus, shut the hell up, Bobby,” said Bohner. “Anyway, the majority of Americans don’t want to have some bacterial fermentation of milk with that foreign-sounding granola shoved down their throats.”

White House Press Spokesperson Robert Gibbs dismissed the Republicans’ criticism of the President as “bizarre” and noted that the name “granola” was actually trademarked in the United States in the late nineteenth century. “In choosing his breakfast, the President is simply setting an example for all Americans by maintaining a healthy diet that is both light in calories and low in cholesterol,” said Gibbs.

Later in the day, during a speaking appearance before the National Pork Producers Association, former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin blasted Gibbs’ statement, saying, “Well, gosh, I guess now that we have Obamacare, us Grizzly Moms aren’t going to be able to feed our little cubs those tasty strips of smoky bacon that they love. Instead they’re gonna have to eat government-mandated yoga.”

The White House refused to respond directly to Palin’s attack. Reached by phone, Gibbs said, “Despite what some members of the media might prefer, the president of the United States is not going to decide what to eat based on the 24-hour news cycle.”

“Besides,” Gibbs added, “the President did express his unity with and support for the stricken Gulf Coast state of Florida by having a glass of orange juice with his breakfast.”

At press time, details regarding the President’s plans for dinner this evening were unavailable.

– Steve Fisher

Tags: obama, Political humor, politics