Niagara Falls’ Latest Thrill Ride – The Quality Hotel and Suites

Recently, my daughter Rachel and I took a vacation to visit friends and family in the Eastern USA. As part of our holiday adventure, we spent a night in world-famous Niagara Falls, NY. This short visit was a high point of our vacation – except for one small disappointment – our accommodations at the Quality Hotel and Suites, Niagara Falls, NY. (Yes, it’s a real hotel.)

If you would like a relaxing, restful, clean hotel room for an evening, might I propose an alternate place of lodging? But if unexpected surprises are what you look for in your vacation destination, then the Quality Hotel and Suites, Niagara Falls, NY may be just the thrill ride for you.

Below is a copy of my actual thank-you letter to the hotel after our recent stay. (Disclaimer: the photos below are not actual photos from the Quality Hotel and Suites, Niagara Falls, NY and were not included in the letter I sent. I include them here to give you a sense of the adventure we experienced. – tj)

July 5th,

To the staff and management of the Quality Hotel and Suites, Niagara Falls, NY

I just had to write to thank you and your staff for a most memorable stay last week at your hotel. It surely is one that neither my daughter nor I will ever forget. Rest assured, we will be telling all our friends about our unforgettable one-night stay at the Quality Hotel and Suites, Niagara Falls, NY.

It is so hard to pick my favorite memory from our short stay. There were so many. Perhaps it was when we first entered our hotel room, having come out of the oppressive heat and humidity of a 95-degree July afternoon. As we entered our room, we were not jolted by the typical arctic cold blast of air conditioning you find in most mid-priced hotels.  Instead, your fine hotel helped ease our transition from the heat of the outdoors with a gentle transitional room temperature of 92. After awhile, when the air conditioning unit did not seem to moderate the Amazon Rain Forest climate conditions of our room, I got just the slightest bit uncomfortable, as rivers of sweat flowed off my body and converged into a small pond on the carpet. So I approached your front desk person, Brad, about the situation.

Without even needing to personally inspect the air conditioning unit, Brad intuitively surmised that the cause of the lack of apparent cooling in our room was not a defective air conditioning unit at all but rather an accumulation of the collective body heat radiating from me and my daughter, having been outdoors in the intense heat. Brad surely must have been right. The sweat pouring down my brow must have been the result of my own body heat and could not possibly be the result of a completely malfunctioning, defective air conditioning unit. Besides, I’ve read that sweat is the human body’s natural air conditioning system. Your hotel was no doubt just trying to be eco-friendly. Thank you for caring about our planet like that. Sorry about the sweat stains on your carpet. Please bill me for any cleaning expense.

The Quality Hotel and Suites, Niagara Falls, NY billed itself as having a view of the world-famous Niagara Falls. So, I was a little nervous about what the view from our room might actually be. Might my precious daughter lean a little too far out the window and fall to her death over the falls? Well, I am happy to report that this concern quickly evaporated when we went to open up the blinds of our hotel room window. Instead of a view of the falls, I was relieved to see a view of a Motel 6 across the street, safely obscuring any possible view of the falls. I immediately felt 100% safer. Turns out it was just a brisk 20-minute walk through the 95-degree heat, to get to the Falls. Thanks for letting me get a much needed aerobic workout.

Another thing I appreciated about our stay at the Quality Hotel and Suites, Niagara Falls, NY was your “pet-friendly” policy. Of course, when I read about that on your web site, I thought it referred to guests who might want to bring their own pets. But I now understand that the Quality Hotel and Suites, Niagara Falls, NY goes the extra mile by providing its guests with pets from the hotel at no extra charge. Imagine my surprise when I felt one of your little pets – a half-inch long black ant – crawling up my back in my bed. I have to admit, at first I was somewhat startled. But after awhile he kind of tickled.

Apparently, we hit the “pet-friendly” jackpot because this little fella must have invited 40 or 50 of his closest friends to join the party – on the bathroom floor, the walls of our room – and just for good measure, my daughter’s pillow. I will never forget the look of stunned surprise on her face as she opened her eyes the next morning to see two black ants staring back at her from point blank range. The screams of terror were over in an instant. The eventual laughter she will experience when retelling this story years from now will last a lifetime.

I called down to the front desk to ask about changing rooms. I called five times over the course of 90 minutes. I was never able to get a hold of a live person. I can only conclude the reason no one ever answered at the front desk was because Brad was out and about helping other guests feel every bit as welcome as we were feeling, wearing his “I our guests” button.

Perhaps in part because of the company I was keeping with my little black ant bed mates, I did not sleep quite as well as I might have otherwise. But that’s totally fine. Honest. I’m told most adults don’t really need more than 3 hours’ sleep a night anyway – unless they want to be coherent the following day. Coherence is overrated anyway. When I placed my call the night before, requesting a 6am wake-up call, your morning staff must have anticipated my impending lack of sleep. They were gracious enough not to disturb my morning slumber, wisely choosing instead not to give me the requested wake-up call. Thank you for your thoughtful decision to let me and the ants sleep in a bit longer.

Whether it was the Cable TV that kept losing its signal or the empty roll of toilet paper that came with our bathroom or the advertised “whirlpool bathtub in every room” that came equipped with everything but a functioning whirlpool, your capable staff made sure our stay was comfortable. Compared to sleeping in a mosquito-infested, mildewed tent in the Everglades in August, our room felt palatial. The only thing I might have suggested to go along with the whirlpool bath tub besides the missing whirlpool might be a clean shower curtain … Oh, and perhaps something vaguely resembling water pressure …. Oh, and perhaps a tad fewer ants in the tub.

Finally, thanks for helping me “shut down” from work mode. This was, after all, my vacation. Noticing your advertisement for “Free Internet in every room”, I tried to log onto the Internet to check my work email. But your hotel wisely knew that what I really needed was to get unplugged, and thoughtfully made sure your hotel’s Internet access was “down for repairs” during our stay. God bless you for keeping me focused on having fun.

In looking back at my time at your lovely hotel, my only regret is that I wasted so much time at the Falls when I could have been enjoying the comforts and convenience of your establishment. The thunderous crashing torrents of the icy blue water of the world famous falls could not possibly compare to the green bubbly water of your hotel swimming pool’s hot tub – had it not been “closed for maintenance” during our visit, that is.

I can certainly understand why the Quality Hotel and Suites, Niagara Falls, NY prides itself on providing first class service second to none – unless of course you include any European youth hostel I have ever stayed at – including the one in Venice, Italy with the sign at the front desk that read “No masturbating in your room”.

It’s also clear that the Quality Hotel and Suites, Niagara Falls, NY spared no expense (other than for normal maintenance and repairs) to make me feel like a king! Where did I leave my crown and scepter? I am confident your hotel would pass almost any third world nation’s health inspection (with a bribe), with only a smattering of minor sanitation code violations.

I felt a tug in my heart as we checked out of the Quality Hotel and Suites, Niagara Falls, NY. I wanted to stay longer. When checking out, I shared some of the highlights of our stay with Heather, the morning front desk person. I told her about the cozy, warm 92-degree room temperature in our room, the 40 or more surprise house guests, the lovely view of the hotel dumpster, and the out-of-order vending machine on our floor. I started to tear up, thinking about all the wonderful memories from our short visit. I will never forget Heather’s caring, compassionate words when I finished sharing my story. She looked at me, smiled tenderly and said, “Your total comes to $167.89. I see there were no additional room charges. Will that be Visa or MasterCard?” Heather, thank you for listening.  You had me at “Your total comes to $167.89.”

Oh, just one more thing. Turns out, unbeknownst to me, a few of your little black ant hotel pets hopped in my suitcase and made the journey home with me – a fitting reminder of our time at your hotel.  Let me know if you’d like me to return the ants to you. But I have to tell you, I’m starting to get attached to the little fellas.

PS: I will be sharing a copy of this letter at my blog site in the hopes that the thousands of people who read my weekly blog might pass along this letter about my wonderful experience at the Quality Hotel and Suites, Niagara Falls, NY to others who might be planning to visit your fair city. I would hate for anyone to misinterpret this heartfelt letter and come away with the errant impression that my stay at your fine hotel was anything less than memorable. Please give my best to Brad and Heather.

With fond memories and deep appreciation,

Tim Jones

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2010 – 2011

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  • Published On Jul. 24, 2010 by TEJ
  • 11 Comments


    1. Yer Mom-In-Law (or MIL)
      7/24/10

      Wassamatter with you TJ? Didn’t you know that the Queen spent a glorious week at that particular hotel? Of course you wouldn’t remember, she was the Drag Queen of the 1920′s. Betty Boop would remember.
      I hope you found a place where you could shower/bathe/swim before continuing on your trip. You and your daughter must have been awash in your own perspiration.
      Where you able to fine sufficient food to feed your new-found pets? Did you look under the beds? I’ll bet there was all kinds of edible stuff there. That’s why the ants were staying in that particular room. Free food helps them to multiply faster.
      I wouldn’t be surprised if you received a reply to your letter from the Quality Inn and Suites offering you a full weeks stay with them. Compliments of the management. Unless, of course the health board of Niagara Falls, New York shut them down because of numerous violations of the Hotel and Inn Keeper’s regulations before you get a chance to go back.
      A great Beacher’s memorabilia Tim. ER


    2. Frank Snyder
      7/24/10

      Tim,
      I gotta’ tell you….Your Mother-in-law has got this suitcased! My only addition, as vaudevillian as it may be, is that you can gauge how truly irritated they were with your’ letter
      If they were perturbed they would have offered you TWO weeks vacation…on the other hand….if you REALLY pissed them off, they would give you AT LEAST 3 weeks of their “Undying Hospitality Entomology Adventure”.
      Remember, Tread Lightly, Leave only Footprints,
      Frank


    3. Drew Fisher
      7/24/10

      As you know, Tim, I was part of the advance party that checked out Niagara Falls for you last year, submitting a report that pinpointed the locations of all muggers, snipers, and evangelists. I distinctly remember recommending the “Anty Maim” package. Perhaps you did not read the advertising carefully enough: It did say, “Free OF Internet in Every Room;” you were not promised a WORKING whirlpool bathtub; and I have learned exclusively through my connections in the world of Big Business that Quality has trademarked the phrase “down for repairs.” What troubles me is that — probably because of your family connections — you blatantly ignored the biggest scandal in Niagara Falls, the fact that you may go from the United States into Canada without cost, walking across the Rainbow Bridge, but you are charged 25 cents, Canadian, to get out.


    4. 8/5/10

      I have to tell you, I thought i was the only one who ended up on trips like that. I was laughing so hard I was crying! That owner better give you all your money back and stock or something lol .. that’s for totally cheering me up today!

      Andrea :)


    5. 8/5/10

      OMG that’s just horrid! Note to self; never gonna go!

    6. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by khrys24, Anthony Hart. Anthony Hart said: RT @TimEJones View from the Bleachers | A Humor Blog by Tim Jones http://bit.ly/bFNgJQ [...]

    7. I too have seen some motels that I would clasify as absurd. Cockroaches, mold in the fridge, nasty smelling sheets, great sauna but the pool smelled so stocked with clorine, we went to the spa instead just to see how bad that was it was fine as it was not connected to the pool. The pool looked a little strange too, not really clear. Tap water did look better. Please don’t ask about the cups in the room either, we went across the street to get what we needed. We left before wake up time and I tried the same as you to get a wake up call but my husband lost it and said lets get back on the road we’ll be fine and we were out the door without our Continental Breakfast.


    8. Rose
      9/9/10

      oh wow! how could you write this without getting so angry, lol. they deserve that and more, in my opinion. you should have sued for false advertising. but this is very funny, i would definitely never stay there. ;-)

    9. [...] friend Tim thinks we’re brave, and says he couldn’t live like this. He blogged about his experience with ants in a hotel room in Niagara Falls last summer, an adventure that didn’t end well. And [...]


    10. Jeanne Whalen
      7/2/11

      Better luck THIS year Tim, I always like the “tongue-in-cheek” spin you put on things


    11. Eleanor Rushworth
      7/2/11

      Tim: I think this is the funniest blog you have written. I’ve read this several times and I’m still laughing. I must admit though that not all Quality Inns are dumps. While in Calgary, Alberta, my immediate family (although you couldn’t make it, perhaps because it generated some horrid memories), stayed at that hotel while my husband was in the hospital. We are repeat customers there and find the service excellent.
      Enjoy your vist in the East. Yer M.I.L.
      PS. You better by-pass Niagara Falls this time. Try Buffalo!!!

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