My fleeting friendship with an Internet Scammer (Part 1 of a 2-part post)

Internet Scammer - mainRecently, I made a new friend across Cyberspace: a very nice man named Mr. Chris. Well, at least I thought he was a friend. For a week, it looked like we were going to become best buddies. But sadly this story of fleeting friendship has a heart-breaking ending.

You see, Mr. Chris is a documented Internet Scammer – listed on web sites for trying to con people out of their money by offering to overpay with a bad check or stolen credit card, and asking the victim to send back a check in return for the overpayment. Your classic Internet scam.

What made me suspicious, you might ask? Well, I think it was his first email which I stumbled onto in my SPAM mail folder which lacked any name in the “to” field. His email asked about pricing for BLEACHERS.  

You see, my humor blog site, View from the Bleachers doesn’t actually sell bleachers. I apologize if for all these years, you did not understand this. In fairness, perhaps my blog title is deceptive. Unless you read two words of any blog post I have ever written, you might not know that I don’t actually sell bleachers – or anything else at my web site.

But poor Mr. Chris. You see, his English, well “it not be so good” – so perhaps he just did not understand that I am not actually in the bleacher manufacturing and distribution business. Can you blame him?

And far be it from me to burst his bubble about my bleacher-building capacity. So I responded – in my own equally fractured English that I would be DELIGHTED to sell him some bleachers.

Below is the actual, unedited email dialogue between me and the obvious Internet Scammer, Mr. Chris. (And lest you think for one nanosecond that his inquiry might have been legitimate, trust me, he’s a scammer. I found his name and email address on a web site that listed Internet scammers.)

One important note before you read this email exchange: I adopted the persona of a stupid, trusting, naïve, uneducated small business immigrant entrepreneur of undetermined ethnicity who could barely construct a coherent thought and who had a serious bigotry against Mexicans. In reality, of course I have absolutely no issue with Mexicans or any other ethnicity – except for Canadians, of course (since I am married to one). It’s just the persona I adopted to engage in my email dialogue with Mr. Chris, the scammer.

It all started with his email asking about the price for my bleachers, and then things, well, they got a tad bit out of control. Read below for the unedited dialogue. All of Mr. Chris’s email comments and mine appear exactly as we wrote them. And all grammatical and typographical errors on my part were 100% intinsional and deliberit, to parody the scammer’s broken English and to egg him on.

Tim Jones

*****************************************************************************************************************

Day One

From: kelvin chris

To: (this field was left blank. Hmmmmm. Suspicious? Nah….)
Subject: Order Urgent

Hello.  Am Mr. Kelvin Chris and will like to place an order regarding some bleachers from your company to Latvia. What is their price ranges, also your terms of payment as well. hope you answer to my request ASAP. Thank you very much and waiting for your prompt responds. God Bless You.

Best Regards
Mr. Chris

________________________

From: Tim Jones – View from the Bleachers

To: Mr. Chris

Subject: Thank you for ask to buy bleachers

Mr. Chris, thank you much for you email below to request some bleachers for you Latvia people. Where in Latvia you be? You live in Riga? I love your food, Rigatoni. My favorite.

Bleacher price range depend on color you want. How you like pink? We give best price on pink bleachers. You like bleachers with arm rest? How about padded seat for comfy sit down?

Happy to help to you if you like prices. Can see prices here: www.viewfromthebleachers.net/price – Click on “see bleachers” and choose what you like, okay?

What sport you want for bleachers – football? Bull fight? Go cart races?  We make all kind – special just for you.

I know we best at bleachers. Very strong. Lowest prices, guarantee. All our bleachers come to have warranty for best view.

Thank you. I look for you order real soon, yes?

Bye Bye.

Tim Jones

http://www.viewfromthebleachers.net

________________________

Day Two

From: kelvin chris
To: Tim Jones – View from the Bleachers
Subject: Re: Thank you for ask to buy bleachers

Tim. Okay i will like bleachers – footbal also i need 50 seat also what is the price?

Chris

________________________

From: Tim Jones – View from the Bleachers

To: Mr. Chris

Subject: Questions so to make you bestest bleachers and make happy

Yippee! I so delighted to know you want buy bleachers from my company. The boys in warehouse who build them all say “high five, Mr. Tim” when they hear news. The price depends. You tell me answers to questions so I can give you best price:

  • You say for Football – what type – American or Europe?
  • Stadium – indoor or outside door?
  • Made of aluminum or steel or plastic? (We have special this month only on wood bleacher but I no recommend – get splinters. You want better bleachers, I think)
  • Want with arm rests or no? I like with arm rest – will throw in cup holder no extra charge – special for you
  • What color? We have many colors choose from – black, brown, blue, grey, red, green, white, pink (my own favorite – make you great price on pink), orange, oh so many colors. I can’t describe all here. You choose a color, we make it just right. No plaid, though. We no able to make bleachers in plaid. Too hard and take forever to dry.

So you want 50 seats? That easy to do. Could have them for you in 2 week. How you want them delivered? You come and get or we ship to Latvia? Did I mention I love your food? That Rigatoni is yum yum – but I don’t like with mushrooms in sauce. Make my tummy throw up bad.

Just tell me what you want and we be in business, okay, Mr. Chris? Or you prefer to be called Mr. Kelvin? You can call me Mr. Tim. Just don’t call me late for dinner. That a little bit of America humor. Ha, Ha.

Hey, you make my day. Today my birthday too. How old you think I be?

Bye Bye. Talk again soon, okay?

Tim Jones

http://www.viewfromthebleachers.net

________________________

Day Three

From: kelvin chris

To: Tim Jones – View from the Bleachers
Subject: re: Questions so to make you bestest bleachers and make happy

Mr. Tim

Okay i will like American Stadium outside door steel also i don’t need arms .Do you really like our food that is Rigatoni  ? it is nice to hear that and what would be the price range  ?

Mr. Chris

________________________

From: Tim Jones – View from the Bleachers

To: Mr. Chris

Subject: we start work on bleachers – what color you want? Make you special price on PINK

Mr. Chris, so nice to hear back of you. Me and the guys can start work soon as this weekend if you like.

American stadium excellent choice. Very strong and excellent view from all angles. No arms? Okay. But I still throw in cup holders no charge because today is my birthday.  You will like. Big cup holders for to hold Super Size drinks. In America, everything is super size – just like our country. Ha Ha. Another America joke. I hope I not offend with humor.

And yes, I like Rigatoni very much. What your favorite Latvian food? Sorry, I chat chat too much. Let’s talk business now, okay, Mr. Chris?

So you want American stadium, outside door seats made in steel. Excellent choice. We got new supply of steel in just yesterday from Peru – bestest steel in world. Comes with no air bubbles. You will like. And so shiny – unless you not want shiny, then I can have the boys make unshiny. Whatever you like, we can do. Nobody make shiny bleachers like us – I guarantee. Our advertising motto: “Buy our bleachers – Nobody make them shinier!”

Price range for 50 outdoor stadium seats – in steel – normally we charge $8,500 US dollar but if you buy before June 15, I knock off $2500 so only $6000. Like getting 15 seats for free – amazing deal, do you think? We can ship directly to you in Latvia for only $400 to ship fee. If you need rush to arrive super fast, that $400 extra cost.

What address should we ship to, Mr. Chris?

We can get started super fast – our boys work snap snap – but they not make mistakes. They not like those Mexican bleacher builders. They worst – always sleeping on job. All my team come from Cuba – best bleacher builders in world. That is fact, Jack. I mean, Mr. Chris.

Oh you not tell me what color you want. Any color you want except plaid. Too hard. You like pink? I can save you $500 more on pink. Not popular this year for some reason – but it my favorite.

Let’s do business, Mr. Chris. Just say word and we build bestest bleachers in world special for you.

Visu labu! I told by friend this mean “all the best” in Latvian. Or maybe it mean best of all? I get confused.

Bye Bye, Mr. Chris.

-       Mr. Tim

Tim Jones

http://www.viewfromthebleachers.net

________________________

Day Four

From: Tim Jones – View from the Bleachers

To: Mr. Chris

Subject: Photos of bleachers we build special for you

Mr. Chris,

Hello again from Mr. Tim. I thought hey, Mr. Chris can like photos to see of bleachers we build special for you. Here is photo of our deluxe special shiny bleachers – you like? See how shiny! See, I not lie about that. On sunny day, need sun glasses for sure due to reflect from sun. It sunny in Latvia today? What sort sun glasses you wear in Latvia?

We only do make best bleachers – make of Peruvian steel – not like Mexican. Below see photo of Mexican-made bleachers – all wood and splinters – very bad – you agree? I not let my mother sit in these – just mother-in-law.  Ha, Ha. More America humor. I got million of them. Sorry. Back to business.

I make you cup holders for bleacher seats – no charge for free. Why? Because I happy today. Today my birthday. Happy happy me. Look like this:

No to assemble. We do that for you special. Even have place for logo. You tell me logo – I add it – free advertise. Want advertise “buy beer more?” We can do that. Want it say “Latvia all Best. Russia all Naughty.” I say okay. Just tell and we do for you.

Let me know what you think. If you know other business in Latvia need bleachers, you tell them call Mr. Tim, okay? We do business now. Where to ship your bleachers?

Bye Bye.

-       Mr. Tim

Tim Jones

http://www.viewfromthebleachers.net

Come back next week to read the thrilling conclusion of of my fleeting friendship with an Internet Scammer.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

Tim Jones - Profile at Safeco - TinyPS: If you enjoyed this week’s post, let me know by posting a comment, giving it a Likeor sharing this post on Facebook. 

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2010 – 2011

 

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  • Published On Jun. 12, 2010 by TEJ
  • 10 Comments


    1. Michelle Kunz
      6/12/10

      Pink is MY favorite, too! Who knew?!


    2. Dr. Pam
      6/14/10

      OK, very funny using a picture of my husband to represent internet scammer “Mr. Chris.”


    3. 6/23/10

      This is too funny! ‘Hafta’ share it.

    4. Like the story.
      Waiting for part 2, Mr. Tim.

      P.S. Pink my FAV, too. ;)


    5. CJ
      6/23/10

      This is soo funny! Good for you to jerk him around also- JERK!

    6. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Praveen Gunturu, Michael P. Piazza. Michael P. Piazza said: RT @TimEJones View from the Bleachers | A Humor Blog by Tim Jones http://bit.ly/9RSvZM [...]


    7. Donna C.
      6/24/10

      No like pink.


    8. Venus Berryman
      10/31/11

      I just received a similar email from Mr. Chris requesting a quote for dock ladders (which my company does not manufacture). I’m glad I decided to google his name and found this site.

      Too funny! Now to hit delete…

    9. [...] this weekly humor blog, I have commented on everything from how to become a Tiger Mother parent to my fleeting friendship with an internet scammer; from my recent colonoscopy to my solution for the US debt crisis; from how the iPad compares to [...]

    10. [...] this weekly humor blog, I have commented on everything from how to become a Tiger Mother parent to my fleeting friendship with an internet scammer; from my recent colonoscopy to my solution for the US debt crisis; from how the iPad compares to [...]

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