Kagan not a lesbian, her friends insist, just hideously unattractive

WASHINGTON, DC – With Senate confirmation hearings on President Obama’s nomination of Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court set to begin, many of the nominee’s friends and supporters are speaking out in an attempt to dispel rumors that the never-married, 50-year-old U.S. Solicitor General is a lesbian.

“Not that it should even matter whether a nominee to the Supreme Court is gay,” commented a long-time associate of Kagan’s who requested anonymity, “but the fact that Elena has never married has nothing whatsoever to do with her sexual orientation. She’s simply a dedicated, career-oriented, and frighteningly grotesque professional woman who has just never been lucky enough to meet the right man, one who is willing to overlook her staggering physical repulsiveness and appreciate her for who she is beneath that unspeakably repugnant exterior which no measure of cosmetic application can adequately conceal.”

Harvard Law professor Cass Sunstein, who joined the school’s faculty when Kagan was its Dean, said, “All this speculation about Elena’s sexual orientation is truly absurd. After all, what kind of sexual orientation could a person of her loathsome and misshapen appearance possibly have?  Suggesting that she is a lesbian is degrading to all homosexual women, none of whom to my knowledge would have the lack of taste and self-respect necessary to stomach having a sexual relationship with the grisly dwarf of a legal scholar whom I fully expect to be our next U.S. Supreme Court Justice.”

In response to a challenge from Kagan’s opponents to produce at least one male witness whom she had either slept with or at least dated during her entire adult lifetime, her supporters cried foul. “Even if some poor schlump had been desperate enough to go out with Elena, and I think we can all agree that’s a big ‘if,’” stated Kagan’s brother Irving, “he certainly wouldn’t admit it to anyone, let alone testify to it publicly!. Why would anyone ask a man to humiliate himself in front of the entire nation?”

Republican lawmakers immediately pounced on her defenders’ remarks, one of them claiming that the nominee’s looks could be even more damaging to her confirmation chances than her “exciting to think about but so far unsubstantiated alleged muff-diving proclivities.”

Senator Joe Burton (R-Texas) issued a statement asking “whether Ms. Kagan’s unsightly, uninviting and ill-favored physical attributes, if one can call them that, could unduly prejudice her in favor of a similarly disfigured plaintiff or defendant in a case before the court.” Burton cited Kagan’s defense as Solicitor General of a law, later ruled unconstitutional, that would have criminalized depictions of animal cruelty. “Was she not perhaps just unfairly predisposed in that case towards her fellow beasts?” he demanded.

Kagan’s law school classmate and friend Jeffrey Toobin, who has written extensively about the Supreme Court, dismisses the Republican criticism as unfounded. “First of all, despite her monstrous and wretched features, which do occasionally make me have to flee from her in unbridled terror whenever we dine together, Elena would be far from the ugliest individual ever appointed to the Supreme Court. That distinction unquestionably belongs to John Blair, Jr., who sat on the bench from 1790 to 1795. His portrait painter actually committed suicide before the painting was unveiled.”

“In addition,” Toobin notes, “if confirmed, she would be only the third most unattractive Justice on the current court, immediately after dour-faced Ruth Bader Ginsburg and certainly way, way behind that appalling and repulsive toad Antonin Scalia, the mere sight of whom makes even the bravest man’s flesh crawl.”

The Senate’s confirmation hearings are scheduled to begin on Monday, June 28. Those hoping to attend the hearing as guests in the Visitors Gallery are advised to arrive early, not to eat before the event, and, if possible, to please refrain from gasps of horror and conspicuous fainting when the nominee enters the Senate chamber.

Disclaimer: Steve Fisher, the author of this article, is himself a twisted and deformed mistake of nature whose own ignominious physiognomy might have influenced his reporting of this story.

Tags: gays, politics, Pop culture humor