2010 Summer Camp Preview

It‘s June, and the summer school vacation season is almost upon us. By now, most summer camps are already fully booked. So, for those parents who haven’t yet reserved a summer camp stay for their children and who are open to something different than the traditional Camp Minnie-Ha-Ha, here’s a selection of brand new theme camps which have only just come on the scene.

Camp Bernie-Ha-Ha

A spin-off of the ever-popular “Camp Ponzi,” this exciting new recreational opportunity for the entire family seems almost too good to be true. While the camp itself has yet to be actually completed – and, in fact, construction work has not even officially begun – the camp’s administration is already accepting applications for lifetime family memberships!

The camp’s promotional brochure alone is enough to make anyone jump at the chance to join. To name just a few of its amenities, the planned 10,000-acre facility will boast eight (count ‘em!) Olympic-sized swimming pools, a 72-hole golf course personally designed by Tiger Woods, a 12-screen IMAX 3D movie theater complex, and a 7/8-scale version of Colonial Williamsburg.

You’ll enjoy all-you-can-eat dining and drinking with six full-course meals per day, served to you by scantily-clad winners of the Miss USA and Mr. Universe competitions, who will relax you afterward with erotic deep tantric massage. And while you’re relaxing, your children will be individually tutored by the camp’s faculty of Rhodes scholars and Carnegie fellows. By the end of your first summer, they are guaranteed to speak five foreign languages fluently!

With a limited number of memberships available, a grand opening currently scheduled for as early as summer 2012 (and by 2020 at the very latest) and a paltry non-refundable up-front deposit of just $250,000, there’s no time to waste in getting in on this unbelievable deal on the campground floor!

Camp (Name Withheld for Reasons of National Security)

Situated in a beautiful and tranquil undisclosed location, this delightful getaway operated by the Halliburton Corporation is the perfect destination for an extraordinary rendition of your kids. Upon their arrival, they’ll be greeted as liberators and escorted to their own 5×7-foot cell by the camp’s experienced and hooded Blackwater counselors. Then, they’ll soon be off on their first outing … of a covert CIA operative!

After that, their days will just fly by in a whirlwind of enduring freedom. But freedom’s not all they’ll endure! From waterboarding to hanging upside down to standing on one foot for extended periods, they’ll be treated to the full range of enhanced entertainment techniques that will help make a man out of them, though perhaps one with a slight limp and/or stutter.

Camp Wasilla

Gosh darn it! Don’t believe everything you read in the lamestream media. Hockey moms and Iditarod dads just won’t find a better place to send Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow and Piper (or however you call your young’uns) than this super-duper facility for real American kids, located in the warm and sunny Alaskan heartland.

At Camp Wasilla, every camper has his or her own RV with all the amenities, including their own freezer stocked with moose meat and a double-barreled shotgun with enough ammunition to last ‘til Labor Day. And your boys and girls won’t want for excitement. From helicopter wolf hunting to drilling for oil in the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge, this is one tea party where the fun never stops.

There’s plenty of educational opportunities for your children as well, from reading the nation’s daily newspapers (all of ‘em!) to learning about our favorite Founding Fathers (all of ‘em!).

Discover adventure this summer at Camp Wasila. But remember, once you go rogue, you can never go…well, whatever that thing is that you do when you’re not going rogue.

Camp Stimulus

Are your kids tired of the ruthless atmosphere of typical summer camps with their tug-o-wars, Capture the Flag games, and other competitive team sports with the constant pressure to win?

Camp Stimulus is the answer to your prayers. The camp turns that dog-eat-dog world upside down with its incentive programs that actually reward your kids for failure!  Whether they’re crafting their own over-leveraged CDO’s or CDS’s, manufacturing gas-guzzling SUV’s, or just taking out an unsecured third mortgage on their camp tent to buy more candy, Camp Stimulus’s “too big to fail” policy gives a whole new positive meaning to the normally derogatory term “fat camp.”

Disclaimer: This summer camp preview should not be considered as an endorsement by the author of any of the facilities described above. Complaints concerning last year’s summer camp preview – specifically with regard to Camp Eyjafjallajökull in Iceland and Camp BeePee in the Gulf of Mexico – should be made directly to the respective camp organizers.

– Steve Fisher

Tags: benie madoff, halliburton, summer camps