The Kama Sutra [Adapted for parents of small children]

1. The Leaping Dragon

Each of the lovers assumes a kneeling position, the male behind the female, his legs between hers.  While entering the female, the male gently strokes her, first downward from the nape of her neck to the small of her back, then up again along her sides, reaching under her to brush her breasts with the tips of his fingers.  Upon hearing a violent coughing sound from the children’s bedroom, the male exits the female and leaps from the bed in a futile attempt to reach the child in question before his/her coughing causes him/her to throw up.  The female puts on her bathrobe and proceeds to rinse out the child’s vomit-drenched pajamas, stuffed animals and bedding in the bathtub, while the still-naked male washes and calms the child.  After redressing the child in clean pajamas and putting clean sheets, blankets and pillowcases on the child’s bed, the lovers put the child back to sleep, return to their bedroom, agree to “forget it for tonight” and collapse exhausted into bed.

2. The Dancing Butterfly

The lovers stand, facing each other, and the female raises one leg, resting her thigh on the hip of the male.  The male supports the female’s raised leg with one hand and tenderly caresses her face with the other.  The female clasps her hands around the male’s neck and relaxes, arching her back to allow the male to lavish kisses upon her chest.  To steady himself, the male adjusts his footing slightly and steps on a sharp plastic windshield from a Lego® “Bionicle” assembly set.  The male howls in pain and loses his balance, sending the lovers toppling into the living room’s display cabinet.  Awakened by the initial boom and subsequent shattering of the family’s heirloom china, the children emerge from their room and learn valuable lessons in both adult human anatomy and the importance of picking up your toys.

3. The…Whatever

Informed by a call from the female that the children have just begun their afternoon naps, the male lies to his manager about having a business appointment and rushes home.  The lovers tear off each others’ clothes and attempt to simply achieve coitus as quickly as possible without regard to foreplay or technique.  As they both near climax, they are startled by the sound of the doorbell and a familiar voice calling, “Yoo-hoo!  Anybody home?”  It is Grandma, “just stopping by to say hello to my little darlings.”   The lovers consider the potential benefits of relocating to another city.

4. The Colorful Rectangle

The lovers position themselves side-by-side on the living room sofa, elevate their legs slightly by resting their feet on the coffee table, and watch a rented video, preferably one with no romantic or sexual content.  When the children periodically enter the living room, rubbing sleep from their eyes and asking for a hug or a drink of water, the male pauses the video and says to the female, “Don’t worry, baby.  It’ll all be different in a few years.”

- Steve Fisher

Tags: parenting, sex