I agree – Click here

Steve Fisher head shot - thumbnail

This week’s blog post is a guest post by Steve Fisher, the funniest person I have ever known personally. Steve is based in Prague, Czech Republic, where he works in the field of Corporate Communications. On the side, Steve has had acting roles in several films and television shows.

It is my pleasure to turn this week’s post over to my life-long friend. In his commentary, Steve asks, Have you read the fine print on those online agreements lately? You might want to take a second look before clicking “I agree.” (Continued below…)

–       Tim Jones

I AGREE – CLICK HERE – By Steve Fisher

Please read the following agreement carefully and, if you wish to continue, click on “I Agree” below.

IN ACCEPTING THE TERMS OF THIS AGREEMENT THE USER HEREBY CONSENTS TO ADHERE TO THE FOLLOWING CONDITIONS WITHOUT EXCEPTION AND IN ALL CASES SHALL BE SUBJECT TO PENALTY FOR VIOLATION OF SAID CONDITIONS WHETHER BY INTENT OR THROUGH INADVERTENT ACTION. ALL RIGHTS RELATING TO THE LEGAL USE, REPRODUCTION, DISTRIBUTION, SALE, RENTAL AND TRANSFER BY OTHER MEANS ARE ACTUALLY NOT WORTH MENTIONING, SINCE BY THIS POINT YOU’VE PROBABLY STOPPED READING THIS AND HAVE SKIPPED DOWN TO THE AGREE BOX, WHERE YOU’RE ABOUT TO MAKE ONE OF THE BIGGEST MISTAKES OF YOUR LIFE, HEE HEE, BUT JUST IN THE UNLIKELY CASE THAT YOU’RE STILL PARTIALLY SKIMMING THIS TEXT ADJUDICATION OF CLAIMS HEREWITH SHALL IN RESPECT TO DOCUMENTATION OF, WELL, THAT’S PROBABLY ENOUGH.  LET’S CUT TO THE CHASE, SHALL WE? YOUR HOUSE, YOUR CAR, THE TOTAL CONTENTS OF YOUR SAVINGS AND RETIREMENT ACCOUNTS, CERTIFICATES OF DEPOSIT, POTENTIAL EARNINGS THROUGH THE END OF YOUR WORKING LIFE, INSURANCE BENEFITS, HEALTH CLUB MEMBERSHIP, THAT PRETTY DAUGHTER OF YOURS.  IT’S ALL OURS NOW AS SOON AS YOU CLICK ON THAT SEEMINGLY INNOCENT LITTLE BOX. GEE, WE SURE HOPE THE STUPID SOFTWARE WE OFFERED YOU FOR DOWNLOADING FREE OF CHARGE WAS WORTH IT FOR YOU. IT COST US ABOUT FIFTEEN BUCKS AND A CASE OF BEER FOR THE TEENAGER WHO DESIGNED IT FOR US.  DID WE MENTION THE FACT THAT IT AUTOMATICALLY TRANSFORMS ALL OF YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESSES INTO A SPAM DATABASE FOR OUR OFFSHORE DIRECT MARKETING COMPANY?  WELL, DON’T WORRY. YOUR REAL FRIENDS WILL FORGIVE YOU AND THE OTHERS WILL LIKELY BE PART OF YOUR PAST ANYWAY, ONCE YOU’VE BEGUN YOUR NEW IMPOVERISHED EXISTENCE. HEY, I THINK I’LL GET MYSELF A CUP OF COFFEE WHILE MY COLLEAGUE, HE LAUGHS WHEN I CALL HIM THAT, TITO, TAKES OVER MAKING THIS AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. SURE, NO PROBLEM, PHIL. HEY BRING ME BACK A DIET COKE, WILLYA? SO, YOU’RE THE CHUMP PHIL WAS LAUGHING ABOUT AS HE WAS SITTING HERE. HEY, DON’T FEEL BAD. WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. LIKE THAT TIME I WAS CAUGHT SHOPLIFTING FROZEN STEAKS AT THE A&P. OKAY I SHOULD’VE WORN A COAT INSTEAD OF STUFFING THEM DOWN MY PANTS BUT IT WAS JULY YOU KNOW.  ANYWAY THOSE DAYS ARE OVER. GOT MYSELF THIS JOB AND I FINALLY FEEL LIKE I’M SOMEBODY. THIS INTERNET IS REALLY SOMETHING, HUH? SURE BEATS ROLLING JOHNS AND SHAKING DOWN KOREAN GROCERS FOR PROTECTION IF YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING. MY FAMILY ASKS SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW, TITO? AND I TELL THEM, HEY, I’M IN HIGH-TECH MARKETING AND THEY’RE LIKE YEAH, RIGHT, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT, YOU LIFTING CAR RADIOS AGAIN? AND I SAY F*CK YOU, DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT WWW STANDS FOR? AND THEY’RE LIKE DUH, LOOKING AT ME LIKE I’M CRAZY. OH, HEY PHIL. YOU BACK ALREADY?  I SAID DIET COKE, YOU MORON. YEAH, YEAH, WELL THEY USUALLY HAVE IT. OKAY I’M OUTTA HERE. THANKS, TITO. SORRY, TITO’S A LITTLE SELF-ABSORBED. LET’S GET BACK TO TALKING ABOUT YOU, SHALL WE? LET ME JUST GIVE YOU A FEW WORDS OF ADVICE. FIRST OF ALL, LET THIS BE A LESSON TO YOU. NOTHING IN LIFE IS FREE. SECOND, DON’T SIGN ANYTHING YOU HAVEN’T READ IN FULL. EVEN IF IT’S BORING. TAKE THE TIME. THIRD, DON’T TRUST ANYBODY. DO YOU TELL THE TRUTH ALL THE TIME. I DIDN’T THINK SO. FOURTH, GET YOUSELF A NEW HAIRCUT. YOU LOOK TERRIBLE. AND FINALLY, BECAUSE WE’RE NEAR THE END OF THIS WHERE YOUR EYE MIGHT CATCH SOMETHING, THE PROVIDER OF THIS MATERIAL SHALL BE HELD HARMLESS FOR ANY DAMAGES CAUSED BY ITS USE AND ALL SUBSEQUENT ENTITLEMENTS COVERED BY THE TERMS OF THIS AGREEMENT SHALL FORTHWITH BE RESOLVED IN ACCORDANCE WITH STANDARDS GOVERNING THE REGULATION OF INTERNET CONTENT, APPLICATIONS, AND AFFILIATED SERVICES.

I AGREE__________________________________________________

See what I mean?

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  • Published On Apr. 03, 2010 by TEJ
  • 5 Comments


    1. John Pickett
      4/3/10

      Very funny. Good of you to leave out the “first male child” clause because mine shovels snow like a front end loader.

      I feel weird admitting this but I am (and I am not making this up) going out for a haircut.


    2. ErikT
      4/3/10

      Hey Tim,

      That’s the funniest thing you’ve ever written.

      e


    3. Darce Johnson
      4/3/10

      I clicked on “I Agree”. Where’s my free download? Damn scammers.


    4. Drew Fisher
      4/3/10

      Ahhh, yes.. THAT explains the guided missile parked in my driveway.

    5. […] In his heavily narcotized state, and lacking the ability to move, Fisher was unable to respond to Jones’s request directly, but managed through an intermediary to order the services of a freelance Russian assassin to head for Seattle on his behalf. Before the hit man could complete his assignment, however, Fisher somehow regained his sense of humor enough to write and publish his first post on Jones’s blog, a guest column entitled ”I Agree”. […]

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