8,000 drunken sailors sent on a mission to capsize Guam

Pleasenavy fleet help us avoid another Katrina catastrophe, won’t you? Turns out the next imminent disaster we have to fear is ourselves – or more specifically, our own U.S. Navy.  If we don’t act fast, thousands of people on the tiny island of Guam stand to perish as their island capsizes into the sea. Don’t believe me? Listen to the ominous words of one informed federal government official.

rep hank johnsonLast week, Rep. Hank Johnson, D-GA. (right), was questioning Navy Admiral Robert Willard during a House Armed Services Committee meeting about the Navy’s plans to relocate 8,000 Navy personnel and their families to Guam. After noting at some length that the island is rather narrow, Rep. Johnson solemnly stated “My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated it will tip over and capsize.” (I can’t make this stuff up. And, no he was not being facetious.) Admiral Willard paused and replied, “We don’t anticipate that.” You can watch this riveting testimony here.

The callous Navy admiral only cares about finding a home for his 8,000 drunken sailors – at least I presume they’re drunken since you always hear the word “sailor” preceded by “drunken”. America needs to wake up and do something to save the innocent people of Guam from a fate worse than a “Round one of American Idol” marathon weekend on the Fox Channel.

Thank God for Rep. Johnson’s clarion call to get the word out to the American people. Otherwise, this nefarious deed might already be in motion. This is a dark hour for America – unless we band together to put up a citizen’s naval blockade against the U.S. Navy. Perhaps some of these 8,000 sailors don’t even know they are being sent on a mission of destruction. But there simply is no time to sit idly by.

Easter Island statuesAnd why Guam, anyway, an island populated largely by American citizens? Why not Midway or Tonga or Tuvalu? Heck, why not Easter Island, where no American lives would be at risk? There’s nothing going on there but those spooky looking statues (left).

Not surprisingly, since the Congressman’s comments, the Navy top brass has been conspicuously tight-lipped about their plans to destroy Guam. Since the Congressman leaked word last week that the southern part of Guam (where the naval deployment would be based) could likely tip over into the ocean, Guam’s local officials have been quick to implement emergency safety measures to keep the island from doing just that, including…

  • Even-odd rationing. People born on an odd date are now being moved to the north side of the island while people born on an even date are being moved to the south, to keep it in balance.
  • Weight re-distribution: Anyone determined to be more than 20% overweight is now being relocated to the northern half of the island, as a counterweight to the sailors and their beer.
  • “Jump Up and Down” Day. May 1st has been designated as a national holiday in Guam during which all the Guamutians on the northern half of the island will be encouraged to jump up and down for six hours, as a way to push up the southern half of the island, sort of like a see-saw.


But now a brief timeout to learn more about this fascinating little-known island paradise called Guam. Bring your kids in for this part. They just might learn something.

Fun Facts about Guam:

map of the pacific 2

  • Guam is a tiny US territory in the Western Pacific Ocean.
  • An island of approximately 212 sq. miles, it is part of the Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands.
  • Oddly, there is no such place as the Southern Mariana Islands. Perhaps those islands have already capsized.
  • Guam is the 32nd largest island of the United States and the largest island in Micronesia (so named apparently because some of the islands are so small you need a microscope to see them – that’s my theory).
  • It is approximately 30 miles long and between 4 and 12 miles wide, making it smaller than Switzerland but considerably larger than my dorm room in college.
  • The Peak of a submerged oceanic mountain, Guam actually rises 37,820 feet above the floor of the Marianas Trench, the greatest ocean depth in the world, making the peak of Guam’s tallest summit 30% higher than Mt. Everest, when measured from the sea floor. And scaling the island’s summit can be done in shorts, an “I i heart guam Guam” T-shirt and Birkenstocks.
  • The remote island is in a region known as “Typhoon Alley” and is approximately 6,000 miles west of San Francisco; 3,700 miles west-southwest of Honolulu; 1,500 miles southeast of Tokyo; 2,100 miles southeast of Hong Kong; 1,500 miles east of Manila; and 3,100 miles northwest of Sydney, and impossible to get to from Kalamazoo, Michigan.
  • map of guamGuam has a population of approximately 175,000 people, of which roughly 40% are US Military or their families and the other 60% are people who are trying really hard to put up with the other 40%. Guamites are a patient people.
  • Guam has a terrible brown tree snake infestation problem that has become an enormous nuisance for the past several decades.
  • I have a phobia about snakes. I will never visit Guam.
  • Guam was attacked by the Japanese in WW II one day after the attack of Pearl Harbor, on Dec 8, 1941 and was occupied by the Japanese for the next two and a half years.
  • Guam was recaptured by American troops on July 21, 1944, a day now celebrated every year as Liberation Day with 25% off sales at the local Target store.
  • Guam’s economy is supported by the US military, tourism, and brown tree snake exterminators.
  • Guam is not to be confused with “gaum” which is a verb meaning to smear or cover with a gummy, sticky substance, as in “My clothes were gaumed up from that axle grease.”
  • The capital of Guam is Hagåtña, which when spelled backwards becomes Antagah. There is no city in the entire world by the name of Antagah. Don’t you find that a little suspicious?
  • You can call Guam from anywhere in the US by dialing the area code 671 – not to be confused with the area code for Boston which is 617. Please check your area code carefully when calling for Red Sox tickets information. The folks from Guam, nice as they are, really can’t help you there.
  • The Guam Island Fair is October 15 – 17. Come for the handicrafts and exotic floral competition. Stay for the homemade brown tree snake pie.
  • Guam is 786th in line to get a Major League Baseball franchise, just behind Barrow, Alaska.


Guam navy badgeOkay, time to get back to the blog. Please send your kids out of the room.

Before the break we were talking about how the Navy is planning to send 8,000 blood-crazed sailors to submerge the island of Guam into the Pacific Ocean for no apparent reason other than to impress their girlfriend Gloria. (Oh, it might also have something to do with the fact that the Japanese have decided they want their island of Okinawa back and have informed the U.S. Military that its bases must be closed this year.)

brown tree snakeGuam is a tropical paradise with palm trees, sandy beaches and just one teensy weensy little problem. It has become overrun by an infestation of the venomous brown tree snake (left), believed to have been introduced to the island as a stowaway on a transport ship at the end of World War II. Brought there by… you guessed it, U.S. Navy sailors. What is it with you Navy guys that you have it in for the nice Guamatarians?

The peace-loving local inhabitants of this idyllic island have done nothing to deserve the horrible fate that’s in store for them if we don’t act quickly. The US military has already all but taken over this lovely Pacific island in the past half century. Naval, air force and coast guard bases now crowd over 30% of this small island. It is projected that with this new invasion of sailors, it could top 40% – that is, if the island does not become a modern day Atlantis and sink from the crushing weight of the incoming sailors with their “Gloria” tattoos.

pink islandbattleship gameThankfully, many celebrities are stepping forward to lend a helping hand. Outdoor artist Christo has offered to create a stunning pink floating “waistband” around the entire island to help keep it afloat and attractive. Sean Penn is reportedly donating 10,000 sets of the board game Battleship, so locals can sharpen their skills before the actual battleships arrive. And the famed humanitarian, Bono, is rumored to be pulling together musicians from all over the world for a “We’re Not Guam-a Take It” fundraising concert to be held on Guam’s Liberation day.

But will these measures be enough? I urge you to call your Congressperson or Senator to put a halt to this impending disaster being plotted by the insidious U.S. Navy. There is still time to stop the annihilation of Guam. Do whatever you can to help out. Send donations of food, water, helium-filled balloons, or floaties for the kids. I’m doing my part by buying all the fresh Guama juice I can at my grocery store and refusing to purchase any naval oranges until the U.S. Navy cancels their barbaric plans, turns their ships around and heads away from Guam….. and over to Easter Island where they belong.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off (the naval) base.

PS: What? I bought 200 cases of Guava juice? Now you tell me. Damn.

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2010 – 2011

Like my stuff? Sign up with your email address to receive my weekly humor posts straight to your email inbox!


Tags: , , , ,

  • Published On Apr. 17, 2010 by TEJ

    1. 4/17/10

      The Cousteau exploration of the Marianas found the Island of Guam to be grounded by Two Pillars instead of the flat, single bedrock mass. The Marianas Trench is 7-miles deep; deepest sinkhole in the world. Merizo at the southern tip of the island is right on the edge of the Trench. Another 8.2 quake like the one in 1993 can technically tip the island over into the trench, NEVER to be seen again. Tipping over is the least of our fears. The USEPA declared that this Military Buildup will destroy our island’s ecosystem. Guam’s northern water lenses are contaminated with Toxic Wastes, left over by the BRAC Closures of the 1990s. The Toxic Wastes similar to the one’s found at Camp Lejeune. We do not want the Marines on our island. Send them to Hawaii or California. Let the military destroy your own backyard….like Camp Lejeune’s. Thank you.

    2. Keith

      Reminds of a comment made by a Tea Party member about how we need to stop calling these people “officials” and start calling them what they are – our “employees”. This one needs some additional vocational training. (Not that I’m a Tea Party supporter, but even out of the mouths of babes…)

    3. John Pickett

      Well, there you go again, Tim. I was perfectly happy to worry about the mildew on my siding, my son’s never-ending college choice (I’ll bet anything he chooses the most expensive one so that dad and mom can continue to work until they die), or my deteriorating bike tire changing skills. (Blam!!….. Dang!) Now I can add Guam to my list of woes. You should think about changing your name to Tibor. (Help Hungary!)

      Well, I learned a lot from this blog not the least of which is that residents of Guam are called Guamites. This sounds rather like a sort of geode or insect. I was sure they were called Guamanians, or Guamers, or Guamerieners (okay, maybe that’s what they call Guam dogs.)

    4. Ron

      We don’t have a target here, so no 25% off sales.

    5. Cam

      Hey Tim,
      Yes… funny stuff. Although this post is pretty old, I thought I would add a quick “serious side” response to your blog. While obviously the Governor was reaching for any reason he could come up with to keep the number of military personnel from increasing, it’s entirely possible that he mixed up a piece of information fed to him by local scientists regarding the “actual” geological issues facing Guam related to it’s position above the trench and the sudden “population explosion” issue at hand. So like most politicians, they are simply parrots that repeat what they think they hear without comprehension. Aside from that though, take this from a vet who lived in Guam for several years, here are a few facts to note relating to Guam:

      The local people there are called Chamorro. The Chamorro people are the indigenous peoples of the Mariana Islands; politically divided between the United States territory of Guam and the Northern Mariana Islands in Micronesia. Today, significant Chamorro populations also exist in several U.S. states including Hawaii, California, Washington, Texas, Tennessee, Oregon, and Nevada. According to the 2000 Census (yes that was awhile ago), approximately 65,000 people of Chamorro ancestry live on Guam and another 19,000 live in the Northern Marianas. Another 93,000 live outside the Marianas in Hawaii and the West Coast of the United States. The Chamorros are primarily Austronesian (you’ll need to look that one up). In addition, the language that they speak is also called Chamorro (not Guamanian).

      The brown tree snake: It is a nocturnal, rear-fanged colubrid, possessing two small, grooved fangs at the rear of the mouth. Due to the placement of the fangs and their grooved rather than hollow architecture, the venom is difficult to convey into a bite on a human, and thus is only delivered in small doses or not at all. The venom appears to be weakly neurotoxic and possibly cytotoxic with localized effects that are trivial for adult humans. So although “technically” venomous, the brown tree snake is more of a threat to lizards and small rodents and especially birds than humans. While I was there, I remember a scare relating to families needing to be very careful with their small children, because they could be harmed depending on the seriousness of the bite.

      In addition; the introduction of the tree snake to Guam is figured to actually be the result of the US Air Force (also maintaining a large base on the island) shortly after WWII when flights between Guam and it’s native habitat in the South Pacific were frequent and the military took no precautions relating to invasive species issues. The impact of this lack of care was HUGE! The predominant population affected by the snake’s introduction was that of several native bird species such as the Mariana fruit dove, the Guam flycatcher, the rufous fantail and the Micronesian myzomela. The introduction of the brown tree snake into Guam has resulted in EXTINCTION of twelve native bird species in total. The Guam National Wildlife Refuge is still to this day attempting to prevent the extinction of additional bird species endangered by the snake. Furthermore, the introduction of the brown tree snake has had a direct, negative impact on other native lizard, and mammal species and an indirect negative impact on vegetative diversity as its intense predatory nature has decreased populations of vital pollinators including native birds and fruit bats. That is all thanks to the US Government. Who just like the Guam Governor, are basically clueless!

      So it could be said that, while on the one hand, obviously the island isn’t going to “actually” tip over, on the other, an argument could definitely be made that increased US presence in Guam could very well lead to a kind of “sinking” of the island (as in: “To deteriorate in quality or condition”).

    6. […] these raging chemicals stampeding through my brain, how could I have come up with a post about 8,000 drunken U.S. sailors on a mission to capsize Guam? Or my post discussing the merits of Jesus Christ vs. the iPad in a side-by-side comparison? It was […]

    Add A Comment

    Subscribe to receive notifications of new posts from View From the Bleachers

    Ta da! You are now a subscriber to View From the Bleachers. Check your email to confirm.