Valentine’s Advice from the Love Doctor

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As most of you know by now, I’m considered a foremost international authority on all things love.  Perhaps it’s because I’m half-German. Or perhaps because I got an A- in French in high school – the language of love. I don’t actually have any formalized training in this arena (not that this has ever stopped me from giving advice about anything, mind you). And I still don’t understand position #27 in the Kama Sutra.

My love advice credentials stem from a series of devastating, star-crossed romances in my formative youth, all of which ended catastrophically and from which I am for the most part healed. And it has given me the ability to counsel thousands of lost, lovelorn, lonely hearts (how ‘bout that for alliteration) on how to successfully attract their one true soul mate. Fortunately, very few of you have actually followed any of my suggestions. Still that does not seem to stop people from seeking my advice on matters of the heart.

February 14^th is Valentine’s Day, officially recognized by Congress and Hallmark as the day each year men are required by law to express their love for their wife by giving her a sappy card with flowers and chirping birds, inside of which is written a hackneyed poem in an italic font, with banal rhymes combining heartfelt word pairings like “you’re my wife” and “rest of my life” or “you’re the reason” and “this special season”. Oh, and don’t forget the box of chocolates. Don’t worry. She will leave the coconut-filled ones for you. The other 364 days you guys can go back to channel surfing between CNN, The Poker Channel, and ESPN. Your job is done.

Many readers know me simply as the Love Doctor because of the insightful advice they come to me for (and go away never receiving) on matters of love and romance. So as my special Valentine’s gift to you, I will share a tiny sampling of the overwhelming flood of letters (translation: five) I recently received seeking my love counsel.

Love Doctor,

My wife and I have been married for 31 years. Frankly, the spark went out in our marriage a long time ago. My wife likes going to wine tastings, art galleries, reading trashy romance novels, and crying, while I like watching football and going out with the boys to throw a few tall ones back on Friday nights. We seem to have drifted apart ever since the cancellation of the show Friends, the one thing we had in common (although we disagreed about who was hotter – she said Phoebe and I said Rachel). Is there anything I can do to put the spark back into our marriage?

– Tivo’d ‘n Texas

Dear T ‘n T, from where I see it, your wife is completely wrong. Just flat out wrong. Rachel is way hotter than Phoebe. Hello! She got Brad Pitt! Although on the debate of who’s hotter, Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie, I have to give the slight edge to Angelina.

Dear Love Doctor,

I hope you can help me. I am in love with two men and I can’t decide what to do. I am a 35-year old divorcee with two young kids. One of the men is 10 years older and very wealthy. He treats me with respect and kindness and always buys me presents to show me how much he cares. He is a widower and the president of a successful jewelry store chain. And he has a vacation home in Palm Springs. He is fairly nice looking but to be honest, he does not really set my heart pounding.

The other man is only 24 years old and a total stud. He has no money since he has been unemployed for over a year, and he has a bit of a temper whenever I talk. I worry that he drinks too much. But he is so hot and great in bed. What should I do?

– Torn in Tacoma

Dear Torn, I once had a similar gut-wrenching decision to make. Ahhhh, who am I kidding? No, not really. Your situation is difficult. It is a tough call. I could go either way. They both have so many appealing attributes. But if you’re thinking about the long-term prospects, I would have to give a slight edge to the older guy. Sounds like he might be just a smidge more reliable. But keep stud muffin on the side for some ‘afternoon delight’ action while Mr. Rich is at the office and see how that goes. And ask Mr. Rich for a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. You can never go wrong with pearls. 

Mr. Love Doctor,

I am 16 years old and deeply in love with the most wonderfullest boy in the world named Jason. He is on the track team and like totally dreamy. He tells me he loves me and that I am the only girl for him, now that Natalie dumped him last Tuesday and won’t return his texts. She is such a skank. He wants me to go all the way, but I am not sure I’m ready. I’m still a virgin. He says he will respect me more if I do. My parents say that I should wait until I am 21 to have sex. I think they are totally living in the Stone Age. What do you think?

– Confused in California

Dear Confused, your “Neanderthal” parents might be living in the Stone Age, but if you want that college education paid for, tell Romeo to keep it in his pants. Besides, Natalie will no doubt realize that her newest boyfriend Blake is a total loser because like, she just got a text message from Kylie, ya’ know, telling her that Amy saw on Nicole’s Face Book page that Natalie’s new boyfriend Blake totally is into Victoria. Like Duh. And then Natalie will text Jason that she is like totally sorry, you know and wants him back, like now and forever, okay?

Trust me on this. Jason is not the one and only. There are at least five more “wonderfullest boys in the world” out there in your future just waiting to eventually crush your dreams about a perfect life together. Wait a little longer before you throw your hat into the sex ring. It will be worth the wait. (Readers, I know what you’re saying, that was actually sound advice. I am not sure what just happened there.)

Dear Love Doctor,

I am an 82-year old widow living alone with my cat. I have not had a man in my life in more than 15 years. Lately there has been this nice gentleman I met at church who has been visiting me twice a week, taking me out for lunch and playing Pinochle. Now he would like to take it to the next level. Should I let him kiss me on the cheek? He is only 75. I don’t want to rush into things. What should I do? – Senior in Saratoga

PS: Give my love to the grandkids. Ask them to write me now and then, okay?

Dear Senior. I’m getting totally creeped out here. Do NOT let this guy kiss you EVER. Cut it off before you get in over your head. Act your age, for God’s sake. Yuck!

PS: The kids say “we love you grandma and hope you’ll come visit real soon.”

Dear Love Doctor,

How long before you will be off the goddamn computer and make dinner for your family? We’re waiting!!! The spaghetti is not going to cook itself, you know? And while you’re at it, could you clean up the kitchen and take out the trash for once in your life?

– Your wife M******

Dear M******

Do we know each other? You sound so familiar. You seem to have some unresolved issues around food and anger management, not to mention a few deep-seated obsessive-compulsive tendencies around tidiness. I might suggest seeking professional counseling to work through these personal issues. By the way, your husband sounds like a great guy. You must be one lucky lady.

**********

I hope you found some of this advice helpful. Send me your own love question to DrLove@SheRippedOutMyHeartAndShovedItDownTheDisposal.com. Perhaps I can help you the way I have helped these troubled souls above. When it comes to matters of the heart, when you truly are lost or uncertain about what to do, look inward and trust your instincts. Do what your heart tells you…. unless you are one of my two teenage daughters, in which case, forget all that crap about the heart. Just do what your father tells you to do. And remember, be home by 10pm or you’re grounded, missy.

I need to wrap this up. I have to make dinner. Nothing says “I love you, sweetheart” like a home-cooked spaghetti meal…. and chocolates….and a Hallmark card with chirping birds and flowers. Ah, l’amour.…..

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2010 – 2011

Tags: advice, love, romance, valentines