Don’t Let Five-Year Olds Vote

Tim_Serious

Each week in this humor blog, I try to poke fun at some current event, a lame trend, or, when I can’t think of anything else, Glenn Beck. But I wanted to speak to you seriously this week, from the heart, about what I am for and what I am against. For too long I have straddled the fence on controversial issues in my life. When I was young, I could not decide whether I liked chocolate ice cream or vanilla better. Who to root for in football, Army or Navy?

I continue to struggle to this day with taking a stand: Paper or plastic? 1% or fat free?  Warm or cold rinse cycle? Letterman or Leno? To this day I still have never registered Democrat or Republican. I have always been that person who can see everybody else’s point of view and does not want to take a stand for fear of offending anybody. (I hope that’s not offensive to say.)

Well not anymore. Not today. Today, I am going to leap off that fence, and take a stand. Today, I am going to declare publicly once and for all, for the seven of you still reading, what I STAND FOR and what I STAND AGAINST.

I AM FOR anything that has cinnamon in it. I would be willing to consider voting for Dick Cheney for President if it meant a free Cinnabon. Don’t judge me unless you have scarfed down a Cinnabon yourself.

kid voting

I AM AGAINST allowing five-year olds to vote (unless accompanied by a parent). They would vote to overturn bed time, outlaw brushing teeth and adopt every bunny they ever saw in a pet store. Now THAT could spell disaster for our national security.

I AM FOR replacing vegetables with sugar as one of the basic food groups. Why? Because frosted sugar cookies with sprinkles taste a hell of a lot better than broccoli or cauliflower.

I AM AGAINST requiring immigrants to learn English, unless, that is, they want to work here, go to school here or use our healthcare system. But otherwise, I’m cool.

I AM FOR adding the color “clear” to the Crayola crayon color menu. It has been ignored and treated invisibly for far too long.

crayola orange

On the other hand, I AM AGAINST the color Orangish Red. They already have Reddish Orange. That should be close enough. What’s next – reddish-orangish red?

Speaking of colors, I AM FOR color coding people based on whether I like them or not. Blue for Nice, purple for so-so, Plaid for “total jerk.” But I am open to permanent forehead branding as an alternative to color-coding.

I AM AGAINST The death penalty for first-time littering offenses. Everyone deserves a second chance, unless the littering involves anything with a Prada or Gucci logo on it, in which case, show no mercy.

I AM FOR eliminating the penny from our currency. Every time I pick one up from the sidewalk, something really bad happens to me.

I AM AGAINST allowing foreign ownership of an NFL football team. Shouldn’t the fact that we let their former soccer players kick field goals be enough?

greenmonster

Speaking of soccer, I AM FOR making soccer a higher-scoring game. My suggestion: make the goal approximately the height and width of Fenway Park’s left field Green Monster. “Tonight’s final: DC United 27 – Manchester 23.”

I AM AGAINST putting up a 40 foot concrete wall around any state to prevent entry or exit (with the possible exception of New Jersey – I mean really, have you ever been to Newark?)

I AM FOR making the birthdays of all four Beatles national holidays.  Do I really need to give a reason?

I AM AGAINST time travel for minors. If my teenage kids went back in time, they would just screw things up and we’d all be speaking Dutch. Not that there is anything wrong with the Dutch, mind you. (But don’t get me started about them damn Belgians….)

segway

I AM FOR banning the use of Segways in public places. No particular reason. Just to be ornery. But seriously, have you ever met a Segway owner you liked?

I AM AGAINST anyone under the age of 30 being allowed to drive a nicer car than mine. Where does that punk Blake Cheswick get off driving a new Mercedes while Mr. Midlife Crisis Soccer Dad here is still puttering around in my seven-year old Toyota minivan with the dent in the back left bumper?

I AM FOR banning the right of wives to use the TV remote control.  Changing the channel while I am watching a college football game because Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is on the Lifetime channel should be legitimate grounds for divorce.

I AM AGAINST letting any active member of a militant Taliban faction run for US President. I just see no positive outcome from opening that door.

I AM FOR paying men and women the same pay, just so long as you ladies work 20% more than us guys for that same pay. What? Did I say something wrong here?

I AM AGAINST the Periodic Table of Elements. It should pick a side. Either be a permanent table of elements or go away altogether. None of this wishy-washy periodic crap.

tivo

I AM FOR TIVO. TIVO is the greatest innovation since the invention of, oh, say, the wheel.  I will name my next child TIVO – TIVA if it’s a girl.

I AM AGAINST creating a large federal government healthcare bureaucracy to meddle in my life, telling me what medical procedures aren’t covered. My private health insurance bureaucrats are already doing a perfectly adequate job of telling me that everything I need is not covered.

I AM FOR reducing my carbon footprint. Why, just today, I learned how to drive our minivan using one foot instead of two, thus reducing my footprint by 50% right there.

I AM AGAINST people who have nothing better to do than pompously pontificate about unimportant things like what they are for and what they are against in lame humor blogs.

Wow, that was a lot to get off my chest.  It feels good to finally take a stand. Go ahead. Ask me any question, and I won’t waffle anymore. I will pick a side. Really…. Okay, so you want to know where I stand on the question of whether a twice-convicted illegal alien drug dealer should be allowed to take his seriously injured seventeen year-old son to the emergency room for urgent treatment of a broken arm he suffered as a result of driving under the influence of alcohol without a license? Ahem, hmmmm……. Well, I…. um, er… Did I mention I am firmly opposed to letting five-year olds vote?

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I am off base. No, I am definitely NOT. But what if I am? Oh, I don’t know anymore…..

© Tim Jones, View from the Bleachers 2010 – 2011

Like my stuff? Sign up with your email address to receive my weekly humor posts straight to your email inbox!

Email:

Tags: , ,

  • Published On Dec. 05, 2009 by TEJ
  • 4 Comments


    1. Drew Fisher
      12/5/09

      Well, there you go again, joining the legions of those who regard New Jersey as nothing but an automatic laugh line. Honestly, Tim, I had thought better of you. I have been a proud resident of New Jersey for nearly 38 years now. Did you know, by the way, that it costs nothing to get into New Jersey, but you have to pay to get out (check out the toll bridges across the Hudson and Delaware Rivers, where the tolls are collected only in one direction)? Who needs a wall? I am also infuriated by people who dismissively refer to my state as “Jersey,” as in news reports that say, “In Jersey, where another 38 public officials were indicted today…”

      I do agree with you about the periodic table. It is the sole reason that at the prep school we both attended, I was the only student in the Fifth Form (junior class) who did not take chemistry. With my sieve-like memory, the idea of memorizing it was just too intimidating. It did make for one very cool practical joke, though. On the day of the chem final one term, I spent the morning in study hall. A student came out of the exam and asked, “Did you know the viscosity of lead? Who the heck knows the viscosity of LEAD?” I explained that I did not take chemistry, then went directly to the library and looked up the viscosity of lead. When each successive test-taker left the exam and asked if I had known it, I was then able to sneer, “You didn’t know the viscosity of lead?” and then reel it off.

      Okay, one for and one against. I can’t wait to read the comments from the Scots now that you have color-coded plaid people as total jerks.


    2. Frank Snyder
      12/6/09

      Since Drew Fisher brought it up…
      “The Macedo-Litovitz equation for a hard sphere liquid provides a satisfactory model for the viscosity of lead up to 1 400 K. The packing fraction at the melting point (ξm = 0.472) and the T1/2 temperature dependence of the hard core size σ are in good agreement with other results deduced from Enskog’s theory and molecular dynamics. The activation energy for viscosity (0.07 eV) is similar to the height of the interionic potential barrier calculated from the correlation functions determined by means of neutron diffraction, and the Percus-Yevick theory.”

      This should level the playing field for Tim and the rest of us plebes who may some day be attacked by the “lead viscosity question”…

      I have to admit…reading this last blog left me in awe…I don’t think anyone could have collected a more random set of thoughts unless they were using a state lottery air-driven, numbered ping-pong ball choosing mechanism.

      BUT…then to turn around and present them under one cohesive theme was one cool move, especially when viewed by those of us who get confused between “manic” and “maniac”…

      Very nicely done, Tim, you’ve outdone yourself…(sincerely…it was good!)
      Frank


    3. John Pickett
      12/6/09

      I assume you have not tried cinnamon on watermelon. Does not work.

      New Jersey is a perfectly fine state, so long as you don’t stop. Thankfully, my mother escaped the horrors of Freehold. (Of course, she ended up in Albany which is probably a step down, all things considered.)

      The Beatle birthday thing is brilliant. I hope you don’t oppose including the birthdays of Stu Sutcliffe and Pete Best in the deal.

      What we all really want to know is where do you stand on the whole Christmas thing?


    4. Jeanne Whalen
      12/8/09

      Clear crayon’s, BRILLIANT

    Add A Comment