[Editor’s note: This week’s guest post is by a high school student who goes by his blogger name of “Phi DaBlogger.” Remarkably, Phil is only in ninth grade (well, for a couple more days, anyway) and he has his own humor blog. Check it out at http://somehighschoolblog.blogspot.com/]
I’m not biased. I promise. I am a teen, but that doesn’t mean I can’t see things objectively when it comes to my ‘age group.’ For instance, I completely understand the reason people feel teens are bad drivers. It’s because you’re trying to cover up the fact that you changed into a lane 100 yards ahead of a teen driver without properly signaling. If you can’t remember to use your siren/firecrackers/neon helium balloons to signal, it is not, in any way, the teen’s fault for hitting you.
But that’s just one example. There are loads of things that people falsely credit teens for, and, while I appreciate that you want to blame us for something, you’re blaming us for all the wrong things.
The “Videogame Addiction”
I’ve already addressed the whole driving conspiracy, so I’ll move on to what is known as the ‘videogame addiction.’ Let me tell you, from the start, that it doesn’t exist. I know for sure that I’m not addicted to videogames, and I also think I heard of a teen living in a cave in northern Alaska who doesn’t know of videogames. Case closed.
Some of you are of the opinion that teens are troublemakers. Supposedly, according to mass propaganda campaigns condoned by CBS, FOX, ABC, NBC, BBC, and the DRC (Democratic Republic of Congo), we are blamed for things such as ding-dong ditching, keying cars, egging and tp’ing houses, forking lawns, and any other acts of vandalism.
Teens don’t do any of this. For one, many teens don’t actually have the motor control needed to complete any of those actions mentioned above. We are constantly running into things (and running over things-forget I said that), banging our appendages on fast-moving stationary objects, and tripping over our own feet to the point where we practically need daylight savings time for our constant ‘fall’ (a bad pun. Please ignore it and move on).
Second, us teens don’t have the time to do any of those things. We are way too busy playing videogam-I mean, uh, decorating our caves. If we’re not doing that, then we may be asleep. As a last-ditch option, we might even be doing homework.
I’m not going to deny that teens eat. Teens, I will admit, eat, just like everybody else on the entire planet. There. You can quote me on that: “Teens…will…eat…everybody…on the…planet.” However, teens don’t eat as much as you think we do.
One of the reasons we ‘eat’ so much food is because we are actually smarter than the average citizen. Since half of what most teen boys eat ends up on our shirt, we all have massive stockpiles of food in the case of a nuclear war.
Another reason teens eat so much is because we took all the parenting lectures too seriously. We understand that we are lucky to have food, because there are some who don’t, so we eat anything you put in front of us. This allows us to see, firsthand, those without food (such as anyone living with us not quick enough to hide the groceries). Please note that “in front of us” is a broad term that could include anything in the fridge, pantry, or nearby supermarket.
I think I’ve touched on all of the big misconceptions, but now you don’t have anything to blame us for. Since you’ll simply build another list of lies, I’ll give you some perfectly logical things that are the fault of teens.
Teen Pop Music Singers
Okay, I can’t avoid the facts; both Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus are teenagers. If you are one of those people who make extreme generalizations, from this you can assume that all teenagers are tone deaf. Although for a couple million dollars, I could probably bribe the major news organizations, or at for sure at least the DRC, to spread the huge Disney cover-up. Obviously, Justin Bieber is a robot (so he won’t hit puberty), and Disney’s Hannah Montana series was an April Fool’s joke played by the music department that was taken too far.
Yes, this is the fault of teens. As you may have learned during your local elementary school’s science fair, young kids like to make things explode. I’ll bet that over half of the experiments dealt with an explosion of some kind, from bottle rockets to film canister rockets to volcanoes to coke and mentos to tactical ICBM’s. Teens tend to take things a step farther as we mature, especially if it is a “taboo” subject (such as body piercings. And we don’t just stick to conventional piercings like our ears; braces, here we come).
We simply took our fascination with explosions and combined it with our ability to be reckless troublemak-I mean, learn about subjects gained from homework, and, poof, you had uranium enrichment. Then, all you had to do was ask a teen to hold one of the nuclear capsules carefully, and he/she would drop it, learning of its explosive properties (all that was left, sadly, was a small pile of melted metal that originated at the teen’s ears, nose, tongue, lip, belly button, and, um, other common and appropriate places-use your imagination).
The Federal Deficit
I think everyone knows that teens aren’t always the best at math. For example, we don’t understand how to compare our driving speed to the speed limit signs, so, consequently, we end up driving too, uh, slow. This is because the little part of our brain that is used for math detaches after three years of inactivity, and usually doesn’t reappear until our mid-to-late thirties (or later, if we choose to become an accountant).
Thus, combined with the fact that many of us teens are ruthless manipulators, those of us whose parents worked for the government went broke trying to fund our body-piercing habit (braces). To make up for it, they borrowed money from the Chinese, who have plenty of money because the tiger moms there force their teens’ teeth to be perfect, so braces are unneeded.
While there are a few other things that may be the fault of teens, such as the Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill, I’m going to leave those out of this extensive list, because if you are willing to believe that Nuclear Proliferation is teenagers’ fault, then I don’t want to overload your primitive brain with information.
Before I leave, I want to make sure one thing remains clear: the fact that adults are messing up the planet and leaving nothing for future generations-is false. According to respectable sources located high in US politics, depending on your political views, recent events, and what you had for breakfast last Wednesday, the only people wrecking the planet are the Republicans/Democrats.
– By Phil Dablogger